05: The End of the Secret Is the Beginning of Healing with Denis Marier and John Conlon

Groomed

Denis Marier welcomes you to the fifth episode of Groomed, a podcast for male survivors of childhood grooming and sexual abuse, and their loved ones.

In this episode, Denis opens up to his lifelong friend, John Conlon, about the state of his mental health issues and challenges with various addictions that John never even knew about.

Following the sudden death of his oldest brother Jerry, Denis began in-depth counseling for the first time in his life. In addition to Denis’ grief and attempts to understand his childhood, he began to unravel the damage inflicted by the grooming and sexual abuse in his teenage years.

They talk about the years of damage trying to come to grips with what had happened and Denis’ attempts to heal. John holds Denis’ feet to the fire and asks the question many people have been asking, “Why did you remain friends with him for so long?”

Denis reveals the torment of trying to protect the secret and the damage it caused to his psychological and emotional health and well being.

Key Takeaways:

[2:12] John gives a timeline for the events of Denis’ early university years.

[3:28] John and Denis discuss their memories of the incident when John realized something about the relationship with the teacher was very wrong.

[7:22] Denis moved to Japan and became a high school teacher himself. He still maintained a friendship with the teacher, but the reality of the abuse began to sink in.

[8:44] Back in Windsor, Denis attempts sucide for a second time and overdoses on seizure medication.

[9:01] Denis talks about the night terrors he started to experience when he was in university.

[10:10] Denis realized he needed to move away from Windsor again and relocated to Burlington, ON.

[10:50] Denis disclosed the abuse for the first time to a paralegal in a darkened parking lot.

[11:43] Denis wrote his last letter to the teacher in 1996, threatening to go to the police.

[13:00] John and Denis reminisce about sitting in the garden in Burlington, and when Denis opened up to John about what really happened in high school.

[13:21] John admits that many people had suspected that something inappropriate had occurred, but no one asked Denis about it.

[14:35] Denis considered going to the police but told John, “I don’t want to put my family through that.”

[15:24] Denis recalls the time in high school when he opened up to a high school counselor and was then threatened by the teacher.

[16:47] Denis talks about being on antidepressants since his first suicide attempt at 16 years-old. A few years later, after a head injury, he was put on antiepileptic medicine. Those medicines were not compatible and chaos ensued.

[17:47] September 1996: Denis began naturopathic medical school and revealed his history to a school therapist.

[19:01] January 1997: The school therapist sends Denis for a psychiatric evaluation. Denis’ GP disagrees with the initial report and sends Denis for a second evaluation.

[19:57] February 1997: Denis is diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder II, Rapid-Cycling and started on medication.

[20:26] March 1997: Three weeks later Denis’ oldest brother, Jerry, died suddenly in a snowmobile accident in Michigan.

[20:45] The sudden and tragic death of Denis’ oldest brother created a nearly unbearable survivor’s guilt for Denis and he blamed himself for his brother’s death. “Because I told my story, he died. It was my fault!”

[24:19] Denis went to the police for the first time, but he was dissuaded from pursuing criminal charges against the teacher being told, “Unfortunately, being a faggot isn’t a crime anymore.”

[26:35] Denis tries to wrap his head around the fact that it was never his fault.

[28:41] Coming out to his family and friends as gay man felt like a “social experiment.”

[29:39] Crossing paths with the teacher on the day he came out to his parents, Denis confronted the teacher and said, “We need to talk!” Denis told the teacher about therapy and going to the police, then asked the teacher for an apology. He warned the teacher that he would go to the police again if he heard of any other bad behaviour.

[33:07] Denis recounts coming out as a gay man to his father and siblings. It didn’t go well.

[37:13] Denis struggled with his feelings for his mentor.

[38:44] Realizing he needed to deal with the root cause of his psychological illness, Denis weaned himself off pharmaceuticals.

[40:17] Denis descended into an underworld of drugs, sex, and exploration.

[40:31] Denis opens up about his first same-sex relationship and falling in love with another man.

[41:27] Denis describes the intensity of leading a double life.

[43:39] Denis leaves a troubled relationship with a man he deeply loved in order to save himself.

[44:13] Denis starts group therapy for gay male survivors of sexual abuse offered through the United Way, followed by group therapy for drug and alcohol harm reduction for gay men offered through CAMH.

Mentioned in this Episode:

Groomed Podcast

Groomed on Facebook

Groomed on Twitter

Canada Suicide Prevention Services

Victim Services Ontario

Support Services for Male Survivors of Sexual Abuse program

Tweetable and Quotes:

“They say the only reason for kids or young people to have night terrors is sexual abuse or refugees of war.” @groomedpodcast

“You’re afraid to start crying because you think that you’re never going to stop.” @groomedpodcast

“Therapy was the place where I really started unpacking the actual abuse.” @groomedpodcast

“He got really close and he kind of pushed me up against a locker. And I said, “I didn’t say anything!” @groomedpodcast

“And somehow in my mind, part of my own survivor’s grief, was that because I told my story, he died. It was my fault.” @groomedpodcast

“Well, you’re going to have a really hard time proving this. They’re going to drag you and your family through the mud, and unfortunately, being a faggot is not a crime anymore.” @groomedpodcast