04: The Years of Confusion and Protecting the Secret with Denis Marier and John Conlon

Groomed

Denis Marier welcomes you to the fourth episode of Groomed, a podcast for male survivors of childhood grooming and sexual abuse, and their loved ones.

The tipping point for social change most often occurs when there is a shift in consciousness. We need a tipping point around the shame and stigma of being a male surivor of childhood grooming and sexual abuse. Reducing stigma for male survivors is necessary to help ease their suffering. For many survivors, staying silent only perpetuates their pain. Many years of therapy and sharing his story in Sacred Healing Circles have helped Denis to find some amount of peace.

In this episode, Denis continues sharing his story with John, and the challenges of the last years of high school and university years. John bears witness to certain events of those years that were cause for concern. This episode contains graphic content of sexual assault and listener discretion is advised.

Key Takeaways:

[2:27] The teacher tries to normalize sexual relationships between men in the military and Denis acquiesces.

[3:16] Denis feels like he has control of the situation.

[3:42] Nearly discovered in an incident on his boat, the teacher silences Denis with his hand.

[4:50] The teacher behaves as if it was a game.

[5:59] Denis admits to Mike that the teacher tried something.

[8:17] Psychologically confused, Denis vows it would never happen again.

[8:41] Denis feels he invited it because he acquiesced.

[10:05] John questions Denis as to why he and the teacher remained friends through Denis’ university years.

[10:44] John asks Denis about the psychic tear of his last year in high school.

[11:24] Denis goes to leadership camp and thrives.

[12:21] Denis gets involved in the student council at the provincial level.

[13:45] Denis begins dating Kelly and the teacher keeps his distance.

[15:05] John recounts his earliest suspicions that something had changed in Denis’s relationship with the teacher.

[16:16] Denis recounts how the teacher began to criticize Denis’s appearance. “You look sloppy!”

[17:40] Denis is appointed “chaperone” for the high school band trip.

[18:09] The principal questions Denis about the room arrangements.

[18:25] John reacts to Denis sharing a hotel room with the teacher on the band trip.

[18:43] Denis feels shame and blames himself.

[19:49] Denis says, “Yes, you can do that if you wish.”

[20:50] The teacher pays for a cab for Denis to visit his estranged grandmother in Brooklyn.

[22:13] Denis phones his grandmother and arranges the visit, with Kelly and the teacher.

[24:39] Denis sees his grandmother alive for the last time and feels obliged to the teacher.

[26:51] John redirects and asks Denis again why he continued to maintain a friendship with the teacher.

[28:13] The teacher helped Denis get into university and built a loft for his dorm room with him.

[29:00] Denis suffers a brain injury and the teacher takes him to Florida for reading week.

[31:25] Denis goes to a gay bar in Florida with the teacher.

[32:53] Denis threatens to call his cousin to come to arrest the teacher and the abuse stops.

[33:15] Denis speaks at the Canadian National Youth Leadership conference in Halifax on an all-expenses-paid trip with the teacher.

[34:05] Denis talks about the second-last incidence back at the teacher’s house the year prior.

[34:31] The teacher shows Denis his pistols and threatens him.

[35:55] Denis travels again to speak at the next Canadian national youth conference in BC.

[36:44] Denis talks about the “shame loyalty” that prevented him from telling anyone about his secret.

[37:37] Denis remembers vividly the coat he was wearing when the Corvette incident happened.

[38:02] Denis recounts why he kicked and cracked the dashboard of the teacher’s Corvette.

[38:30] John asks the teacher about his dashboard and Denis shuts the teacher do

Mentioned in this Episode:

Groomed Podcast

Groomed on Facebook

Groomed on Twitter

Canada Suicide Prevention Services

Victim Services Ontario

Support Services for Male Survivors of Sexual Abuse program

Tweetable and Quotes:

“Well, I thought it was my fault from Day One for getting drunk.” @groomedpodcast

“It was so fucked up. There are no other words.” @groomedpodcast

“That was the summer he had gone away and he’d hired me to watch his house and feed his cats.” @groomedpodcast

“When we look back, isn’t it all just so textbook?” @groomedpodcast

“He pulled out this box and he opened it and there were two pistols in it. And all he said was, “And if you ever tell anybody...” @groomedpodcast

“I knew without a doubt that things had happened because you shut him up so quickly and so definitely, I knew.” @groomedpodcast