1 l Family Scapegoating 101: How Healthy Healing Really Begins

The Family Scapegoat Chronicles l True Stories of Healing and Freedom From Family Scapegoating and Narcissistic Abuse

In this first episode of The Family Scapegoat Chronicles, Elle Boone opens the door to a new kind of healing conversation; one built on honesty, humor, and permission to go slow.

She shares what inspired the show, what “slow healing” actually means, and why naming your experience as the family scapegoat is often the first step toward freedom.

Whether you’re still untangling family patterns or just learning the word scapegoating for the first time, this episode offers warmth, clarity, and a gentle start to your healing journey.

💬 What You’ll Hear
What it actually means to be “the family scapegoat”

How shame and silence keep the role alive

Why slow, steady healing works better than rushing recovery

How Elle’s story shaped the heart of this podcast

💡 Quote
“You’re not behind—you’re healing on time.”

🤝 Perfect For
Anyone beginning to question their family dynamics or realizing they were cast in a role that never fit.

🔗 Connect
🌐 thefamilyscapegoatchronicles.com

📩 [email protected]
☕ Support the show

⚠️ Content Notice:
Discussions include abuse and trauma. If anything you hear is activating, please reach out to a qualified mental-health professional. You’re not alone, and help is always available.

❗ Disclaimer: This podcast is for storytelling and educational purposes only and not a substitute for professional mental-health care or diagnosis.

🔎 Topics: family scapegoating, scapegoat healing, narcissistic abuse recovery, trauma healing, adult children of narcissists

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This is the full transcript of Episode 1 of The Family Scapegoat Chronicles: “Family Scapegoating 101: How Healthy Healing Really Begins.”

Hosted by Elle Boone, this episode explores how healing from family scapegoating is real work. and why taking it slowly is often the fastest way to move forward.

📝 Transcript

Some kids get trophies, some kids get gold stars, and some get scapegoat status, like me. But here's the thing, I didn't apply to be the family scapegoat. There was no job posting, no interview, and certainly no benefits package. But somehow I got the role, and I kept it for years. The good news, that training ground turned me into the perfect host for this podcast.

And in this first episode, I'll walk you through how I discovered it, how I started to process it, and what it's really like to stumble your way out of the scapegoat script. They say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, but sometimes it just leaves scars. Welcome to the Family Scapegoat Chronicles, a podcast for the silent survivors, quiet rebels, and generational cycle breakers.

I'm your host, Elle Boone, fellow scapegoat and reluctant expert in family dysfunction. If you've spent years holding space for others while quietly unraveling in the pantry, you're in the right place. Done playing small to keep the peace? Good. Now it's time to take up space. So grab your favorite emotional support snack and let's get to work.

Hello, hello, Welcome to the Family Scapegoat Chronicles. We made it. Episode one. Whew. I'm glad you're here. I'm sorry that you're here for the reasons that you're here, but I'm glad that you're here. I want to talk to you in this first episode about what the show is, what it is not, what you can expect, what not to expect.

And also just make the statement that this is really for education and entertainment. This is not to replace therapy or any mental health service that you may need or desire. That will also be in the show notes, but I thought it would be wise to indicate that here as well. I also want to share with you in this first episode when I started to figure this out because that's when, I mean, rather than going back to childhood, which we will visit from time to time, of course, as I continue to share my story. But I thought a good starting point would be when I started to figure this out, how I started to figure it out, and talk about some of the methods that I used to educate myself on this. Although I will say that there haven't been a lot on the family scapegoat. Particularly that I could find. There are a number of podcasts that talk about it, but it's never been the focus. So I felt that a show like this was not only necessary, but really critical to the people like us that have been through what we've been through to have a place to grow in community, grow in knowledge, grow in healing, and just evolve from this identity that we have been given or that has been forced upon us and start to talk about ways of how we can get away from that identity and start rebuilding life with our true identity, our authentic selves, our future selves, so that we can start to shake off this scapegoat skin, as I like to call it, that was never really part of who we are.

So going back to when I first started to figure this out, there were a few key things that took place that led me down this path of discovery. I had no idea. I've been walking around this planet for decades thinking, oh, this anxiety and this chip on my shoulder and these other behaviors that I have collected along the way, they're just who I am. No, turns out I was wrong.

It's been almost five years since I started to really sift through what information I could find online. And I'm still not there yet. There's just so much to unpack and not just in my own behaviors and coping mechanisms that I have accumulated and adopted or inherited might be a better word. But then there's, you know, the,

people who came before me and the people who came before them and all the other generations that have contributed to where we are today. And today we have the internet. We have so many more tools than every generation in the past combined. So I think this is really our time. I think this is our time to say, yes, this is when we stand up and we confront the issues head on and

Figure it out, figure it out, make some changes, adopt new ways of behaving, have new levels of understanding of our own behaviors and those that are around us and from those that are in our past. So going back to when I first started to figure this out was in 2019, just before the pandemic. I was in the New York area. I was in full-time acting school for the third time in my life, I just had to go back. I just had to go back. And not just because I love learning, but also wanting to further my career. But I don't know, something deep inside my soul and my bones said you need to go back. So I did. And now I know why. That was such a strong impulse.

Which we'll get to in a minute. But in 2019, I was in full-time acting school. I was working full-time and I commuted from New Jersey into the city five days a week. So all of that to say I was tired. I was exhausted constantly. And you know, when you're tired, things don't look right. We don't behave properly or we don't compute things. The way that we do when we're rested and feel good. So I always felt, and I blamed it on being tired, but I always felt like every time I walked into that classroom that every single person in that room hated me, absolutely hated me. And I couldn't figure out why. I, just like I said, I blamed it on being tired. And...

That created a whole bunch of self-doubt and other questions and things that I hadn't figured out yet. So one day I called a friend at the time, a colleague actually, and I was complaining about these girls in the class who had just really been giving it to me and wearing me down. So we would joke about the situation, but

At one point during this conversation, he said to me, Elle, I think it's time that you look at your patterns. He said, I think that there are some things that you will discover if you dig into your patterns, your behaviors that will help you a lot. And I said, okay, go on. I'm intrigued. He said, well, let me put it to you this way. Let's say you finished school. And you book a gig, this director gives you some direction and you take it wrong and you lose the gig or worse, it ruins your career. And I was like, wow, that's really, that's really heavy. That's extreme. Like, what are you talking about? And he said, I just think that there are some patterns that you have collected that aren't serving you and you're filtering life through them. Whoa, deep, right? Okay.

So that was the first thing. And then in another class, Patrick, my speech teacher, he looked like Superman. It's early morning and the task for the day was to read a script that had maybe three, four lines in it. Everyone had the same script and the script was basically going off on somebody, just letting them have it. And I thought, my God, this is the dumbest thing I've ever experienced in my whole life. Like I’m paying for this? This is ridiculous. So because of that, I went last. And Patrick said, El, what's the issue? And I said, I don't want to be angry. I've worked hard to not be angry. I don't want to bring up this energy and then like live with it for the next few hours. Like, this is really dumb. And he said, OK. And I was sitting in a chair in the middle of the room. And he laid down on the floor beneath me.

And he looked up at me and he said, Elle, I have a question for you. And he said, in all seriousness, he said, who are you angry at? And I was like, um, well, right now it's you. And he said, okay, but all jokes aside, who are you really angry at? He went on to say that because if you can't get in touch with that here, you are not in touch with it in life. Or on stage. You can't play a character without the authenticity, right? So that started a whole nother set of thoughts. And then one day I was sitting in a webinar that I was co-hosting, that I created for marketing for voice actors. And at one point I remember feeling like, oh my God, all these eyes are looking at me, you know, it was over Zoom, but It was that same feeling that I had in that classroom with those other people that I felt just absolutely hated me. And I froze. I went into freeze. And the woman who was hosting it with me was like, Elle, Elle, it was awkward, uncomfortable. And I didn't understand it until a few years ago. That whole freeze, flight, fawn, all that stuff.

So, whew, all of that to say, then the pandemic hit. And during that first week or two, I remember just the fear of it, you know, and living in New York where it was the hotspot and living alone and not having very many friends, mostly acquaintances, definitely no family. And no one from my family called me.

No one emailed, no one came over, nothing. So I sat in that silent treatment space and I thought to myself, this will be the last time that I allow anyone to make me feel the way that I am feeling in this quiet, isolated, lonely moment. So when we come back from this commercial break, I'm going to share with you

What came next? You're listening to the family's scapegoat chronicles. We'll be right back after this short commercial break. Introducing Cover Story Cosmetics. The only makeup line designed for the chronically blamed. Crafted for scapegoats. Buy scapegoats. Because when your family drama runs deep, your concealer should go deeper.

Our new Gaslight Glow Highlighter reflects everything but the truth. Pair it with Trauma Tint Blush infused with 12 shades of Suppressed Rage. Cover Story Cosmetics. Because if you're going to take the blame, you might as well look flawless doing it. When I was in acting conservatory last, one of my favorite teachers, the founder of the conservatory actually,

He always used to say two things that stuck with me. One was, always raise your personal standards to the heavens. And I just thought, wow, yeah, that's right. That's exactly right. Keep raising your standards. And the other thing he used to always say was, find the humor. But Tom, it's a murder scene. And he would say, yes, I know. Find the humor. So that's what I'm trying to do with this show in part.

My humor may not be for everyone and that's okay. It's a coping mechanism. It's also a tool that I use to educate with. It's one of the more relatable emotions that we have as humans. And let's be honest, we need something to break up the drama with, right? Something to break up the heaviness. And so you can always count on me for a little bit of humor. And this is not in any way to minimize the harm, the pain, the damage, all of it, for those who have unfortunately been in the role of the scapegoat in their family of origin. So when I got back to Tennessee after leaving New York at the start of the pandemic, which is not where I'm from, but I spent about 10 years here, so I feel like it's my home now. And like everyone else, I had an inordinate amount of time on my hands to study, research, discover, plan, figure things out.

And it took me a couple of years until one day I was reading a Facebook post. And in this post was a book that this woman recommended, titled, Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed. Help and Hope for Adults in the Family Scapegoat Role. Hallelujah! Finally, something that made sense, something that gave me the words to describe what I had been through and what I had been going through and what I'm still going through. That book single-handedly changed everything. Finally, somebody had labels. For the first time, I had words, nomenclature, things I could research more with and figure more out with. This book is written by Rebecca C. Mandeville.

She is an internationally recognized pioneer within the field of family systems and a scapegoat abuse and scapegoat trauma expert. She's a licensed psychotherapist, LMFT, certified complex trauma treatment professional, CCTP, and researcher. She coined the term family scapegoating abuse, also known as FSA, and you can find more information about Rebecca on her website at scapegoatrecovery.com.

I highly recommend that you pick up this book if you haven't already. So I reached out to Rebecca at that time. She was seeing people on a life coaching basis. And the first thing that she had me do was fill out a questionnaire. And I remember sitting there with that questionnaire for a long time. And I just spilled my guts and cried and cried because I knew finally someone on this planet could identify with what I had been through, had put words to it, wasn't going to invalidate me, gaslight me, and all the other things that come with this traumatic abuse. And that process was so healing in and of itself that it has become part of the format for this podcast, where we invite listeners and experts to come on the show and share their stories and their journey so that others listening can experience that feeling of not being so alone in this madness.

And Rebecca will be joining us here on this podcast in the near future. Once I got my hands on this information and had a few sessions with Rebecca, I thought, okay, all right, well, I have to figure this out. I have to figure the rest of this out quickly so that I can move on with my life, get back to some normalcy, whatever that might look like. And I literally thought that I could just YouTube my way out of this.

And I read tons of books. I listened to podcasts. I was on social media a lot looking for more Rebecca's and came up short. Got to be honest. But what ended up happening was I over consumed trauma content, trying to fix my problems, trying to heal as quickly as possible. And it backfired.

So the biggest takeaway I hope for you from this episode is to not rush through your healing. Don't do what I did. Don't overdo it. Go really, really slow and don't overconsume content. Be intentional about your healing, your research and your content consumption. Protect your nervous system from the overstimulation. Listen to your body cues. Your body will let you know when it's time for a break. Like I said, don't do what I did and try to get it done in over with. That sent me into some serious panic attacks and heavy anxiety that could have been avoided. So for me, listening to music and singing is my main go-to when I need to calm down and just be still because I've overdone it or because I've had a hard day or I've gotten triggered or something. And I do that because singing is one of the simplest ways to soothe your nervous system.

The vibration in your voice actually stimulates your vagus nerve, which is the pathway that tells your body it's safe to relax. Long notes and gentle humming send a signal to slow the heart, deepen the breath, and ease tension. That's why, after a few minutes of singing, you don't just feel uplifted emotionally. Your whole system shifts out of survival mode and into calm connection. And what I want you to leave here with today is to take your time with your healing, nurture it and let it breathe. Now, while I was over consuming, I did learn a lot of stuff. I learned the language that's used in this type of dynamic, which we're going to get into one at a time because I think it's important to really understand the language, the nomenclature, so that we know how to speak about it. And we have terminology that we all agree upon in terms of definition.

So we can communicate more about it and communicate more effectively about it. And some of the things that I learned while I was over consuming, going back to the story in the beginning about going into freeze and feeling like everyone in the room hated me, those came from very deep wounds that I had not recognized until my friend said, hey, let's look at the patterns, including something called family mobbing.

It's also known as familial bullying. It's a systemic form of abuse where one or more of the family members engage in a pattern of malicious and relentless behavior toward another. This behavior is done through criticism, blame, exclusion, and sometimes it's just outright hostility. It's kind of like a coordinated sport where relatives huddle up to tackle the scapegoat. No helmets, just hurt feelings.

And this started when I was quite young and has continued into adulthood. But we're going to get more into terms, as I said, one term at a time, because I want everyone listening who's been affected by this phenomenon to really understand the language so you can speak intelligently about it, including to mental health care providers that you might be working with who may not have this information. As clearly as you will by listening to this podcast. So we'll get more into patterns and nomenclature, but also superpowers because we have developed so many and I want to list those out with you. I want to talk about those and I want to use those to educate and empower everyone listening because this was not for nothing. What we've been through was not for nothing. So until we meet again, on the next episode. Take your time. Take your time with your healing. I wrote this song as a reminder that healing isn't a weekend project. It's a lifelong adventure. And I play it for myself often when I need a reminder that it's okay to just slow down and breathe. I hope you enjoy it.

Hey you with the heavy heart Always feeling like you're late to start Learning to be whole again, just you But healing isn't something you rush through So if today you're just breathing That's more than enough You don't have to live with regret You're still strong in the rough Take your time, love, take your time

There's no finish line you've got to find The lows, the highs both help you grow You're not behind, you're in your flow Take your time, love, take your time Soft and steady time unfolds Every breath reveals what healing holds In quiet moments through the unknown Just moving forward means you've grown If today you took a step, that's a victory in view

You're gonna get there, just keep moving through Take your time, love, take your time There's no finish line you've got to find The hurt, the hope, both have their place You're not lost, just finding space This healing takes time But you'll turn out fine, there's no rush No finish line

You can breathe, you're doing fine There's no shame in moving slow That's how deep roots grow.

Take your time, love, take your time Some days are just for making it through For breathing, for standing, for being you There's nothing more you have to do This healing takes time, but you're gonna turn out fine You'll be fine

Just take your time

It just takes time

It just takes time

So that's my little love note to you. Take your time because this is your journey and no one else gets to set the pace. Some days you'll feel like you're moving forward and other days you might feel like you're standing still. But standing still can be a kind of progress too. Rest is progress. Reflection is progress. Even pressing play on this episode is progress. I want you to remember that healing isn't about keeping up with anyone else.

It's about reclaiming your rhythm step by step. You're not late. You're not behind. You're right on time for your life. So as you head back into your world today, I hope you give yourself permission to move a little slower, breathe a little deeper, and notice the small victories along the way. I'll be here walking it with you, slowly, one conversation at a time. And if this message resonates,

I'd love for you to share it with someone who might need a reminder that slow is still strong. All right, let's roll into the outro. But before we do, just pause with me for a second. Feel your feet on the floor. Take one easy breath in and let it out. That's it. That's enough. That's what slow healing looks like. Tiny moments practiced again and again until they start to feel like home. Thank you for spending this time with me today.

I'm really glad you're here and I can't wait to keep building this space together in the episodes ahead. So let's ease on out with the closing notes and I'll meet you back here for episode two. Until then, be gentle with yourself.

That's it for this episode of the Family Scapegoat Chronicles. Thanks for sticking around through the awkward, the honest, and the oddly funny parts. Healing isn't a straight path. It's more like a wobbly dance with the occasional jazz hands. So allow yourself kindness, especially when the past hits deep. If you'd like to share your story anonymously on the show, check the show notes for contact info.

Hearing the stories of other survivors can help others feel less isolated. So please come and join us. This show is currently being produced on Faith and Fumes. So if you'd like to contribute to the cause, you can visit the show notes and find the Buy Me a Coffee link as a way to show your support. I could really use your support. But donate what feels right for you. No pressure, but it really does make a difference. Not just for me, but for every scapegoat who hears these stories and knows they're not alone.

Don't forget to subscribe, rate, and tell all your friends about the podcast. That was my inner child. She's looking forward to being part of the show. Healing takes time. Be patient with yourself. See you next time. And as always, keep healing with heart and humor.

Thank you for tuning in to the family scapegoat Chronicles. Have you subscribed? Don't forget to like and share. And if you wouldn't mind, a five star rating on Apple and Spotify wouldn't be too bad either. See you next time.

Jazz hands!

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End of Transcript

This transcript has been lightly edited for clarity and readability.

For more episodes, resources, and community support, visit thefamilyscapegoatchronicles.com.

🎵 Episode theme music created by Elle Boone with the assistance of AI music technology.