235: Master the art of saying NO

The Corporate Yogi Podcast

INTRO:

Hey, thanks for tuning in to the Corporate Yogi podcast, I’m your host Julie Zuzek. This pod is YOUR dedicated time for growth, developing practical tools to use with your team and other relationships and to learning deeply about who you are and what makes you tick! Because you are a brilliant and powerful being and I want you to invest more time reflecting on WHO are being, not just WHAT you are doing. Doing is awesome, but BEING, well that is where the magic happens and what makes you truly feel fulfilled. You’re going to love this episode. So, here’s a look at what you’re going to learn today

1 – In the first segment you’’ll learn why we struggle to say NO

2 – Then in the second segment you’ll learn the correlation between yes and NO

3 – And in the last segment you’ll learn tips to say NO

So get out of your head, into your heart and let’s dive right in, shall we.

SEGMENT 1

I know that some of you don’t struggle with saying NO, and that is awesome. Give yourself a pat on the back!

But for the rest of us, especially those of us who suffer from the disease to please, saying NO is a muscle that we have to build. And what is the best way to build a muscle?

a) Avoid using it at all costs

b) Use it all the time, no matter how scared you are, no matter how messy it is and focus on building the behaviour not being attached to the results.

I hope you guessed B, and that’s a little Tough love for you today. I know when we’re scared or when we don’t like doing something, we avoid it at all costs. But sadly this doesn’t get us anywhere. When we avoid something we NEVER, ever ever get better at it, right? Do we? But if we try it, and keep trying it, we’ll get better at it, and it will get easier, I guarantee it. Remember that wayne gretsky quote, we fail at 100% of the shots we don’t take.

Do you remember when we talked about the Hard Epidemic? The Hard Epidemic happens when we label something “Hard” in an excuse to avoid doing it. Well I think this is a good time to remind ourselves about the epidemic, because I think it really applies to this example of saying NO. It’s not hard, it’s just new. Saying NO is a perfect example of mindset, and how we need to master ours.

So there’s a few reasons why we struggle with saying NO:

- First the disease to please. We have that image consultant saboteur worrying about what people are thinking about us. But I guarantee you, they’re not thinking about you anywhere near as much as you think they are. Chances are, they’re just thinking about themselves. So, you’ve gotta let that go.

- Second, It’s a little hit of happiness. we really authentically want to help and say the Yes, because it feels good. We’re going to do something new and exciting, maybe we’re going to make someone else happy in the process. It just feels good. But I’m going to let you in on a secret. Saying NO can also feel equally good and very powerful. I promise you!

- Thirdly, We’re in a routine or don’t know we have an option. And this is really simple and obvious but sometimes we’re just completely in a routine of saying yes right away or we’re in a rut of saying Yes, and we don’t realize we have options. So this is a good opportunity for you to check in, take an inventory and see if there’s anything you are doing out of obligation.

- Lastly, We lack the tools. If saying NO is an underdeveloped muscle for you, then I’m going to help you out and give you some great tools that will help you dive in and get started. Don’t you worry, I’ve got you covered.

SEGMENT 2

We’ll look at the relationship between yes and no.

I want you to think about Yes and No as being 2 sides of a coin – and they are directly correlated, because remember, you have a finite amount of hours in your day.

I want to see if I can help you troubleshoot something. If you feel like there aren’t enough hours in the day to get everything done that you want, then maybe it’s time for you to take an inventory about how you’re spending your time and see if there’s something in your schedule that you need to start saying NO to, in order to fit in the activity.

Sometimes when we remember this correlation between Yes and NO, and how they are directly related, it helps us to see perspective and feel less guilty about saying NO to something, simply ask yourself what the other side of the coin is. When you say NO to something, what does that leave space for you to say YES to!

And here’s another added bonus about saying No to something. This one is an accelerator. When you say NO to something you not only free up time, BUT you MIGHT JUST be living true to your values and honouring WHO you are.

What do I mean by that? Think of an example of doing something that you don’t really want to do, but you’re doing it out of obligation, or you don’t want to be rude. If you lack the courage to say NO, you might get stuck wasting time doing something you don’t want to do. And that might make you resentful. “Unspoken truths are seeds of resentment.” And that’s a great quote. “Unspoken truths are seeds of resentment.” And if we can learn to say no, it feels powerful and we live honestly and we don’t carry any regret. That is what being conscious is all about.

Sometimes people might think it is rude to say NO, so they fake a yes. And for some of you this might have been planted at the social or cultural level. Here’s a personal example. I have to be honest and say that I really loved my 3 precious years spend in England, I know that my time there helped shaped who I am, but I can say with 100% confidence that I never fit in, and it doesn’t matter how long I would have stayed, I never would have ever fit in. There’s something so overly polite about English culture, that just never really landed with me.

I remember being at a tradeshow with one of my English colleagues, and it was an event marketing exhibition, so the booths were featured properties and event spaces around the UK trying to promote their property for corporate events and retreats. And I distinctly remember her being completely mortified by me. As we made our way around the show to view the different booths, and talk to the reps, people tried to give me their collateral or sign up to their mailing list, and if I wasn’t interested in their property, or didn’t think it was a good fit, I would simply say NO thank you, or I think I’ll pass, but thanks. And she was mortified and told me that’s just not something that English people do. You have to just smile politely, pretend to want their brochure and then go home with a bunch of crap that you’ll never look at. And that’s just not really how it roll. If I’m not interested, I’m not going to waste your time putting me on a mailing list just so that I unsubscribe with the first email you send out. But hey, that’s just me.

SEGMENT 3

Here are 5 tips to help you saying NO

1. Delay your response. Respond with “I’ll think about it” instead of an instant yes, then you buy yourself some time to actually check your schedule and see if it fits.

2. Express your gratitude. Don’t be all weird and awkward about it, be sure to tell them “Thanks for thinking of me and inviting me, but I will have to pass”

3. Ask Permission to get back to them. “Can I have time to think about it?” or Can I check my schedule and get back to you.

4. Counteroffer. Say NO to what they’re offering, but if you’re really compelled to meet half way, maybe you can offer something else. This might be saying NO to an in persona meeting, but yes to a quick phone chat.

5. Provide context. Explain why you are saying no and give them the reason and context, and this will help to keep your image consultant saboteur quiet. Remember that you are a leader and you just might inspire other people to start building their NO muscle too.

Let’s recap those 5 tips:

1 - Delay your response.

Express your gratitude.

Ask Permission to get back to them. “

Counteroffer.

And #5 Provide context.

When in doubt, tell the truth. It’s not only the right thing to do, it not only feels good, but the truth is the most efficient. If you tell a little white lie about why you can do something, and then you might get asked again, and then if you didn’t explain the real reason the first time, guess what, then you’re going to have to make up a new lie, and then a lie to cover up the lie. Well, you see where this is going? Let’s bring back the lost art of honesty, let’s make integrity sexy. Are you with me?

And telling the truth is just more efficient. I don’t think we give people enough credit. If you say NO and explain why, people get it, seriously. And a little more tough love. And if you explain Why and they don’t get it, well then these aren’t likely your people. .

And one more thing to consider, telling a little white lie to “avoid hurting someone’s feelings” might actually be doing them harm. Let’s say your friend is hosting a workshop, and you don’t want to go, so you fake an excuse and say, hey the event looks amazing, and I’d really love to go, but I can’t. You’re giving them false data. So there might be a number of reasons why you don’t want to go, it might be too expensive, it might not be relevant or interesting to you, it might be on a night that you’re busy, or it is too low on your priority list. But, you’re giving your friend false data, when you’re when you’re not telling the truth.

WRAP UP

OK it’s time to wrap up this episode on the Dip. As always, if you’re inspired by the content today, please share this episode with a friend, colleague or on social media. You can also subscribe to this podcast on my website at thecorporateyogi.com. If you want to book a chat with me directly to discuss change or coaching in general you can find my booking link on LinkedIn or Instagram @thecorporateyogi. And as always, remember, that any fear or resistance you hold inside of you, is simply just your greatness in disguise.