102 – It’s Always Maybe

Who Am I Really?

Breanna learned that she was fostered then adopted but for financial gain and she described her home as a hostile environment. Her adopted mother was abusive, and Breanna ultimately ran away from home to the military. But before bootcamp she contacted her birth mother, and learned the hard truth about her conception. In reunion, she was forced to watch her birth father’s judgment for his actions.

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Breanna (00:05):

She feels really guilty and I think that's why she doesn't want me to hate her. She thinks that I should hate her and I don't hate her. It does make me angry now that like you're wasting time. We could be like, we could be going forward, but like I don't hate you for giving me up like I really don't hate her.

Damon (00:32):

Who am I? Who am I? Who am I? Who am I? Who am I? Who am I? This is who am I really a podcast about adoptees that have located and connected with their biological family members.

Damon (00:53):

I'm Damon Davis and on today's show is Breanna who called me from Jacksonville, North Carolina. Breanna learned that she was fostered then adopted but for financial gain. Her adopted mother was abusive and Breanna ultimately ran away from home to the military, but before bootcamp she contacted her birth mother and learned the hard truth about her conception in reunion. She was forced to watch her birth father's judgment for his actions. This is Breanna's journey. The weekend I spoke to Breanna. She was teaching her six year old daughter to ride her bicycle. When she spoke of her parents, she said they never really talked about adoption, but she remembers a time when she was six years old at church when her status as an adoptee stood out in her mind.

Breanna (01:41):

When we joined the church, they introduced themselves and they said, we adopted four kids and we have two of our own. So they didn't talk about it and they didn't really want to talk about it. My dad was more like, Oh, we're your parents we raised you and are the ones who who've taken care of you, you know? So we left it alone. It wasn't like a topic.

Damon (02:02):

Breanna's siblings who were biological to her parents were many years older than the adoptees in their home. You heard Breanna say she has four adopted siblings. Breanna is in the middle of the adoptees. They were all foster children. First adoptees who didn't know their own stories. Her parents had adoption folders for every child, which Breanna found in their garage. They had pictures and photo books for every child. She learned that some of her adopted siblings were children of drug addicted parents. Breanna located everyone's folder except her own, which was frustrating. She talks a bit about why her parents fostered them. First

Breanna (02:43):

they said that they adopted us because they needed money and there was money to foster care and they got paid for us and then they were offered more money if they adopted us. So they actually got paid up until we were, we graduated from high school. So originally that's why they went into foster care. They, so I don't, I guess eventually it wasn't like a need.

Damon (03:08):

So did you, could you feel that need like were, how were they as parents? I guess what I'm asking is when I think of parents who choose to foster out of financial need, I have a, I'll admit I have a little bit of a negative feeling in my gut about that. Tell me about your home in terms of this particular stereotype that I have.

Breanna (03:34):

I say like the home was really a hostile place to be. Like I avoided my, my house. And I think like now that I'm older, I know that my dad of what at the house because of like my mom, I think I'm pretty sure she struggled with mental illness, but like my dad, I told you like he always lived away. He always worked away. Like he only came to visit us on the weekends and like he would tell us like once we got like to teenagers, we'd be like, why can't, like, why won't you like divorce her? Or why won't you like, let us move in with you? Or something. He was like, you know, this could be like, you guys could be worse off if you were with like your biological families or if you were somewhere else. Like it could be worse, you know? And he kind of left it at that and he was really like soft spoken. Like he didn't say very much. So I can't say like, he was horrible, but my mom, like, she did really horrible things to us and would say things to us. So, no, I can't say my childhood was great and, um, at all. And I was a very depressed child. Um, now that I'm older, I can realize, I realized that

Damon (04:43):

Breanna describes herself as a quiet keep to herself kind of child, so people may not have recognized her depression. She's a writer and a poet, not really much for talking. Her siblings were more boisterous, outspoken, throwing tantrums and that kind of thing. Breanna describes herself as a people pleaser who earned straight A's in school.

Breanna (05:04):

Like I tried to do everything perfect and like I was a helper to like, to like avoid, um, um, like we never knew how she was going to be, like when we walked in the house, you know, like from school, like how was, how was she going to be today? I, and she would tell us like, if it wasn't for my medication, you know, so like you could tell like they didn't, I don't think they adopted because they wanted us, you know, I do think, I'm pretty sure. I know that they love us. Um, like they, they, they, I, my dad loved us. I know and I'm pretty sure my mom loved us, but I think because whatever it is going on with her mentally like something was wrong, you know?

Damon (05:47):

Interesting. Did you say something? Tell me what you were about to say with regard to her saying you can tell when I'm not on my meds or something like that. What was that?

Breanna (06:00):

My mom was really abusive so I don't, I don't think I should get into the abuse that she would do, but like she would do stuff and then she would be like, if it wasn't for my medication, like you guys would probably be dead type of thing. You know? Like if it wasn't for my medication,

Damon (06:16):

Breanna's adopted father stayed away from their home a lot, working in other cities, coming home on weekends to visit, but never staying in that environment. He died when she was 16 years old. She said she remembers her mom having a boyfriend a short time thereafter. I asked Breanna when she got the urge to search.

Breanna (06:37):

I'm pretty sure I had this feeling since I was a little kid, but I always felt that my mom would come back from me or she would come find me. So I never actually thought of looking for her. But my senior year I actually I ran away. I left and I moved in with um, leaders, um, through being wife. I met through young life and I let me live with them and I was leaving for Marine Corps boot camp and they were like, Oh, it'd be so cool if you actually like look for your biological mom right before you left. I was like, Oh, okay.

Damon (07:08):

So in September, 2010 at 19 years old, she contacted the adoption agency who committed to send her redacted non identifying information. A week later her information arrived, 50 pages worth of info. Everything was redacted except on one page. The woman's last name was still visible. On another the college she attended was visible too. She also found the city, her birth mother was moving to after Breanna's birth, Breanna went online to Facebook and searched for women with that first and last name combination with an association with the same college.

Breanna (07:45):

And I scrolled through all those people and I found her through Facebook because all her first name is Nicole in my middle with Nicole and she looks exactly like me. So I contacted her and I was like, hi, I think, I think you're my mom. And like I would do anything to get to know her, get to know my birth mom. And your first name was Nicole and my middle name is Nicole. So like what a coincidence. I'm like two hours later she liked message me back and was like I believe I am your birth mom. So like yeah that was September, 2010

Damon (08:19):

so you were so bold as to just straight up messenger and be like bam, this is me. What's up?

Breanna (08:24):

Oh my gosh, yes.

Damon (08:27):

That's amazing.

Breanna (08:28):

I was supposed to wait to wait cause the family I live with, they were like we'll just wait till we get home. Cause I was like, I think I found her. She was like, wait till we get home. And I was like, I can't wait, bye. I did. I just couldn't wait cause I was like, she looks just like me.

Damon (08:44):

The women exchanged lots of messages. Breanna's birth mother shared that she made a Facebook page because she wanted to be found. Breanna told me that her adopted parents, every one of her adopted siblings names Breanna assumed her name had been changed to. Her birth mother let her know that she grew up with the name she was given at birth and she was named after her birth mother because Breanna's middle name, Nicole is her birth mother's first name. The women emailed back and forth for awhile and her birth mother told her everything

Breanna (09:18):

like she was originally supposed to. She was originally supposed to keep me but her mom. She hid the pregnancy um, the whole entire entire time. Her sister is the only one that do it. She was supposed to graduate and move in with her sister and keep me, but her mom found out I was born on her graduation day or her mom found out and her mom was like, no, you need to like, you need to give her up. So like I guess they got into it and she ended up following through with the adoption.

Damon (09:52):

Wait, so just to go back for a second, you said you were born on your birth mother's graduation day?

Breanna (10:00):

Yes.

Damon (10:02):

And the pregnancy had been kept a secret up until that point?

Breanna (10:06):

Yes. Her sister is the only one that knew.

Damon (10:08):

How did she do that? Do you know? Cause I mean as you're going through your senior year, you know, you're, your mom is after you for prom for this, for that. You're like, there's no way to escape your parents. How did you do that?

Breanna (10:23):

I've, I have no idea. She lived with her mom. But, um, she said she wore big clothes and she just, I guess like tried to avoid her, but they were, they were definitely like that year she said it was definitely like a lot of fighting happening between them. So, um, I'm not sure how she got away with that,

Damon (10:47):

but can you imagine what that must've been like for her to, I either try to go to graduation and can't or go to graduation and then go directly to the hospital. I mean, that must have been surreal.

Breanna (10:58):

Yeah. Nope, she couldn't. Yeah, she didn't even make it,

Damon (11:01):

she didn't make it to graduation.

Breanna (11:04):

No, she didn't.

Damon (11:05):

Breanna thought it was pretty cool that she was born on her mother's graduation day. Her birth mother said she almost made it to her goal of graduating and moving in with her sister,

Breanna (11:16):

but she made it to graduation day and then like, her mom still made her give me up. So I think that's a little defeating. I say.

Damon (11:25):

Yeah, that's a sensitive spot. Yeah. I could imagine.

Damon (11:28):

Breanna told me she was getting a lot of information from her birth mother. So I asked if she learned about the circumstances for her conception. Unfortunately this is what she learned.

Breanna (