Why He Withdraws

Come Here To Me: Relationship Experts Walk the Talk

"Why He Withdraws" is a follow-up to the last Figs & Teale episode, "Pursuer Problems," and it's Figs' turn for an "affect assembly" with Teale's help.

After just a bit of stalling, Figs describes a recent negative judgment of Teale after she didn't text him when she was out with her friends like he asked her to and then went out paddling the next morning before he woke up.

He describes these judgments as "inconsiderate," and then—hinting at the deeper vulnerability—"hypocritical" and "unreasonable."

Figs, in feeling not considered by Teale (a more classically Pursuer sensitivity) actually started to access all the times he felt judged as the inconsiderate one (his deeper Withdrawer "not enough" sensitivity).

He then, in touch with those feelings of not being good enough, tried to be "good" by not outwardly expressing those negative judgments of Teale—which Figs now knows was not actually the "right" thing to do.

While walking through Figs' negative judgments and feeling not good enough, Teale demonstrates her acceptance and love of Figs—which is hard for Figs, who is struggling to let it in, and who feels like it's unacceptable not to be able to.

In voicing that, however, Figs can see that Teale is also able to hold that "unacceptable" part of Figs, and he is able to experience relief and connection.

If you or someone you love are struggling in your relationship, visit empathi.com for the relationship quiz, courses, and therapy consultations.