Ep 57 | Texting with a Narcissist : What to Know

But Still, She Thrives - Narcissistic Abuse, Toxic Relationships, Grey Rock Method, Healthy Boundaries, Childhood Abuse, Trauma Healing

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TRANSCRIPT

Speaker 1: (00:00)
Welcome to, but still she thrives. Alright, so today's episode we are going to talk about what it looks like to text with a narcissist. I'm so excited about this one. I think I might do like actual examples in a future episode, but today we're gonna talk about like the different ways and things that narcissists do in general. So grab yourself a frale app. Chatta venti. I don't do Starbucks, I don't do coffee, so I don't know. I have enough energy, I don't need it. But if you do grab it, maybe take a little cozy seat, a little cozy blankie and settle on into all the narcissistic fun.
Speaker 1: (00:51)
Hey Queens, welcome to, but still she thrives. Do you wanna stop getting caught up in that wicked web of a creepy crawling narcissist and you find yourself up late at night replaying the abuse you put up with and wondering how you can heal Now? Do you wake up hoping for healthy relationships and peace only to feel totally exhausted? And mind ed, girl, I see you. I'm Christy. I too had to disconnect from toxic people in my life and I wished I could undo the damage I felt ashamed, lonely, and kind of lost. But I'm a stubborn Italian and I refuse to give up. I found ways to recalibrate my mind and body more quickly than I thought and can now share them with you. In this podcast, you will find coping tools, healing methods, and confidence boosters so you can trust yourself and find peace and freedom. So shields up ladies, let's go protect our peace.
Speaker 1: (01:48)
Okay, so usually I'm like a little more organized, but today I am not and I'm gonna go with it. I just follow my nose like that. Uh, what's it called? Two Can Sam follow my nose? The fruit loop guy. Alright, so anyway, I have super ADD this morning, so I'm just gonna go down. I took some notes of things that have definitely happened in my life on text with narcissists that I know I've known a couple. I've had a family member narc, a friend narc, and an ex narc. So we'll take all the fun from those people and talk about it and I'm sure you'll be able to relate. I know all of my clients that have been in narcissistic relationships. If you don't know I'm a life coach. I specialize in narcissistic abuse recovery, but I do also have clients that have not been through abuse.
Speaker 1: (02:39)
Um, but that was like a through line when I started coaching where I was like, wait, a lot of these people have been through abuse. Like a lot of people that I was coaching, a lot of stay-at-home moms. Um, a lot of women that were, I mean just from all walks of life. And I was like, hmm, several of them have this thing thing. And I start focusing on that because that is the deeper seated stuff that can cause you to hold yourself back in your life, not have confidence, all that. So that's just a little backstory again, ADD here today. So let's just go in to things that I notice. There's no particular order. I might backtrack, so try to stay with me, drink that coffee so you can keep up with Christie and we'll dive in. So the first thing I'm sure all of you, if you know a narcissist, you know they brag.
Speaker 1: (03:32)
They brag and there's a difference between having confidence and being cocky, right? Or having a false sense of superiority where you think you're more important than you are. Stuff like that. So bragging is so common with these narcissists. It's just constant. So something, even some narcissists really you won't even hear from them without them bragging. Or maybe you'll only hear from them when they need that ego boost. Depending how close you are with them. Like a lot of you won't believe what I did or guess look what I got. I had one narcissist in my life. Literally all they did was brag all the time. Look what I did. Or if they have children, they can use that extension of themselves, which if you don't know a narcissistic parent, their children really have one role and that is the extension of the narcissist. So if they have a kid that's doing really well, that is all they'll talk about and they will also kind of take the credit for it often, right?
Speaker 1: (04:38)
So bragging about themselves mostly or you know, a spouse or a child, but somehow it ends up kind of them taking credit. So bragging is very, very common because they need that supply. We call it in the narcissist world, narcissistic supply. Basically it is feeding their ego. So they brag because when they need their ego fed, they want everyone to be like, oh my god, y'all are so amazing. And they're like, look, look. See, 'cause deep, deep down, they don't believe they're that important. They need and rely on other people to make them feel important, right? Okay. Another thing acting as if they didn't just royally f you over or maybe they said really horrible things like the day before or even hours before. I've had this where it was almost comical how close in time it was with the up and down, right? And sometimes people can get confused by bipolar and narcissist that and there is a difference.
Speaker 1: (05:44)
Um, with narcissists it's usually more calculated. It's not like an emotional high and low. It's more of they're playing a game, they're trying to gain control. And if one thing doesn't work, then they will try another. So in this case though, let's say this can relate to, you know, not having control 'cause it with narcissists, they're always trying to seek control, gain control, see if they have control. It's all about control. So let's say your co-Parenting with a Narcissist, I'll give an example of that 'cause that's very common. And a lot of my clients are co-parenting with narcissists. So let's say this morning you're getting your child ready for school and your narcissist texts you and is like, Hey, I wanna talk to my kid. And you're like, we are literally running out the door, but we'll we'll call you, FaceTime me, whatever after school.
Speaker 1: (06:36)
And they blow up. Say, you don't let me see my child as much as I want. You've ruined our family, right? All of this overdramatic stuff because they're not getting exactly what they want and they're trying to control the situation and they can't. So then fast forward to lunchtime, you get a text and it says, Hey, hey Bud or something, right? There could be an endearing, even reach out like a casual, hey, I don't know, people don't go around saying, Hey friend, but you know, if you have ever had a nickname with them or something, they're trying to get you to soften back up. So they'll soften it and then say something like, because they need something. Now they realized on their calendar that this week they have a concert they could go to. So they need you to switch weekends. Let's say you have split custody.
Speaker 1: (07:27)
Okay? Hey girl, Ryan hassling all over the place. Hey girl, could you do me a huge favor this weekend? Could you take, let's say Abigail, your daughter, could you take Abigail? It would be so amazing if you could do that. 'cause I have something that's come up, blah, blah, blah, right? So they can switch literally within hours. They act like nothing happened. Like they just didn't curse you out this morning. And they're gonna try to soften you up and blow things over quickly so they can get their way. It's usually that, right? Or let's say they blow up, they're nasty to you and then you don't talk to 'em. Let's say it's a family member. So you're like, forget this. So you don't, don't respond. A week goes by, they're like, she didn't respond. Oh my god, right? Because they're used to having control of you, but you're growing, you're growing queen.
Speaker 1: (08:25)
So you're like, forget him. I'm not writing back to that monster. They don't like that feeling. They feel like they don't have control now, so they're gonna come back as if nothing happened. This is part of gaslighting making you think you're crazy. Like this just didn't happen a week ago where they blew their top. And we'll say something like, oh man, send, let's say they'll send you a nostalgic, um, song you used to both love. Like, hey, remember this? Oh, we had so much fun back in the nineties. , right? They will go back as if nothing happened. And they will try to see if you answer, let's say you don't answer, then they'll come at you again and then they'll, they'll reach even more. Did you, you wanna grab coffee on Sunday? No one loves black coffee like you and me do they try to make you special?
Speaker 1: (09:13)
We'll go into that in a second, right? So there they are trying to gain control of the situation. So let's dive into that one, that next one of trying to make you feel special things like, you're the only one who gets me, or you're the one, only one who would appreciate X, Y, Z. Like I do like black coffee, which like most, like not most people, some people like black coffee though, right? You're not the only one in the world, but they will make you feel like you're the only one in the world who is like them, who gets them. You're so special. They know how to pump your ego so they can gain that control. And texts in general can be very up and down. Like we're talking about that up and down. It's more of a control tactic. It's usually calculated or it's more of, it could be a tantrum.
Speaker 1: (09:56)
Like they're not getting the race. So if they try to be nice and they're like, Hey girl, oh, uh, that was really awesome, X, Y, z. If they're like desperate to get you to respond so they're being nice and you don't respond, then they can swing right back, start blowing up. And if you don't respond to that, they will usually start threatening. So there can definitely be threats in texts that can range from mild threats. Well fine, I'm, I'm not gonna talk to you, I'm blocking you. Right? They, it's almost like childlike. I've had that happen so much when I don't respond. narcissists being like, well I'm gonna block you. This is it. This is done, this is final. And then, you know, like whatever, 25 minutes later, they're still going on, right? So they, they're empty threats but then they can be to the extreme of violent threats of just threatening to make you scared and they're often cowards and so they have to feel big and bad with their threats.
Speaker 1: (10:56)
So that is not cool whether they're empty or not. I don't care if you feel threatened and you really feel nervous about your safety, I want you to evaluate if you need to get a peace order restraining order, whatever, and that's a whole other, that's a whole other thing. So if you want to email me about that fierce mama C at Gmail, my email is always in the show notes. Feel free to email me if you have questions about that. I don't wanna get in all this legal jargon in the middle of this episode, but um, I know those can be scary for some people and I get it and depending on your situation. So that's something to also just throw in here also is always the um, one 800 number to domestic abuse hotline that should always be in my show notes. So also reach out to them if you are feeling scared for your safety.
Speaker 1: (11:45)
Alright? The other thing is trying to make you feel jealous. , this one makes me laugh so hard when in the past when the narcs try to make me jealous, I just, it never works on me. It has never worked my whole life. I just don't get jealous like that. And it works on some people, it can definitely work on people. So I'm not trying to dismiss it, it's just my personality that doesn't take the bait on that even like in the beginning of my journey because it seems so obvious usually, right? So an example of a narc in my life I had not seen in years wrote saying how they had all of these awesome people visit them during the summer and had so much fun and it was too bad. I was such a jerk that I would not get to experience all the fun that they had, right?
Speaker 1: (12:31)
Like, I mean I literally cracked up at that text message. Those people can have you please go have more fun with them. That would be great for you. Go stop telling me about it. I don't give a. Um, and that's the mentality you need to have. Don't take the bait, you've got to. And this takes time, you know, for many people, especially in romantic relationships or if it's like your parent or someone very close in your family, but you have got to cut that emotional tie to maybe get to that place. But it does help if you know that they do it on purpose, it can help for it to be easier for you. Also, they seem to forget the past and act as if you are the one who caused the problems. And I say forget in quotes, they seem to quote forget.
Speaker 1: (13:14)
They don't forget. They know, okay, these people know but they do it again. So they can use it to manipulate you and gaslight you to make you feel crazy. Like you are the problem. You are not the problem. Honey. Honey, child, you are not the problem. I'm not the problem. I mean, am I perfect? No. Have I ever had a moment? Sure, but I know when you are dealing with a narcissist, they are the problem , okay? They're the problem. Don't question yourself. Don't let them get into your head. The only thing is that being said in times of desperation to gain control back of you or the situation or if they are under the influence of alcohol or drugs that can make them be more vulnerable in a way they may admit fault. And I say quote, I say admit in quotes too. They may admit because really it's usually calculated.
Speaker 1: (14:09)
They're trying to get control and say, I'll do anything, whatever, just call me right? When they're feeling like they're losing the grip on you. So when you don't, which I highly recommend, do not take that bait when you don't though they will lash back out and they'll go back to blaming you, right? It's just this moment of usually, unless they're highly under the influence of something, they may have a truly vulnerable moment. But that is so rare. It is, I'm gonna say like 95, 90 9% just that desperate attempt to gain control. So they're not truly admitting anything, it's just they know that could maybe get you to talk to them or to show that you're still under their thumb in a way. Okay? So there's definitely more. I could do this all day, but I will wrap this up because I want it to not be too super long.
Speaker 1: (15:00)
They tell you they are crying and , this is a weird one, but I have had, this is multiple people narcissists that have used tried to use this tactic. Two out of three of them I'll say. So maybe it's not always. Um, some might feel like that's too vulnerable and they don't like to be vulnerable, but if they're really desperate, they will. Right? One of mine who's the most desperate two, gain control did this many times either telling me or one time they actually took a picture of themselves crying twice actually crying and sent it to me to show me, look, look I have fake crocodile tears , right? They weren't saying that. They were saying, look, I'm crying. They're desperately trying to show their victimhood that they have feelings. It didn't work. Again, I can see past all this at this point in the beginning, I, I can't remember exactly if they told me, you know, they were crying or I would hear them, they leave messages crying that that did happen.
Speaker 1: (16:05)
I remember the very beginning when I went, no contact well as far as cut it off, but I could still get the messages or voice messages. There were crying messages and that did get my heart. I remember a little bit in the beginning, but uh, I went to therapy and started doing all this research and educating myself on this topic. And now like I, I just see through it all right? But a lot of people, I'm sure many of you this can work on. So I'm here to let you know, narcissists really, they, they're not going to genuinely cry for much. They might in the privacy of their own home if they're in a really deep dark state. But showing sending pictures or voice messages of them crying is trying to gain control of you. That that's what it is. Whether they're real tears or not, I mean, honestly it doesn't even matter to me.
Speaker 1: (16:59)
'cause with narcissists they're just trying to gain control, but usually they're crocodile tears. Another thing is name calling. They will name call, they will try to hit your soft spots. They will use your vulnerabilities against you. So these are people you've probably been close to, you've probably had deeper conversations with. You've exposed yourself not like that. No. You've exposed yourself as far as opening up and telling them about things in the past that have hurt you or you know, things that you have low self-esteem on, they will use that against you. So they, I'm trying to think of an example for me. Hmm, I can't think off the top of my head. But nar I definitely had a narcissist that would name call. Not all of them do. Some are more outward with the more blatant abuse like that, like the more blatant name calling and stuff.
Speaker 1: (17:50)
Um, and I had one that definitely was more blatant with it. So there was more name calling and hitting those soft spots, knowing what makes you hurt the most and poking at that. So when the name calling is happening to you, if that is happening again, get away from that. The only reason really that you should have to deal with a narcissist is if you are co-parenting. I know a lot of people, if you're in families, you think you have to put up with it 'cause it's blood. I'm here to tell you, you don't. I know it's even harder, whether it's like siblings or cousins or aunts or uncles. I know the hardest is probably the parent or the child. I totally understand that. So I'm not here to tell you what to do with your life. Um, I'm just here to help guide you and give you tools to deal with it.
Speaker 1: (18:36)
So if you have to, if you feel like you have to keep someone in your life, I'm here to first tell you, in most cases you do not co-parenting is a very tricky situation though, and I know there are some other exceptions, but if you, you just don't feel capable. There's nothing I can do about that unless you work with me. We work together to get through that. But know that when these people are name calling you and hitting those soft spots, it's intentional and it's abusive and it's hurtful and it has nothing to do with you. It doesn't have to do with these things being true about you. It has to do with these people feel so about themselves that they feel the need to do this to gain power and to feel better about themselves and to feel powerful, but they're not powerful.
Speaker 1: (19:28)
They're little balls. Okay? Do, do, do, we're gonna end on that note. Narcissists are little balls. So I will end with that. So don't let people abuse you. Don't let people gaslight and manipulate you. You know, the first thing is knowing that this is what they do. And that helped me just even learning about this to know, oh, this is what's happening. And as I read more and more about it, I was like, oh my gosh, this is like exactly what's happening to me. It was so validating. I've had so many of you write me and say how validating my podcast is for you. Because when you go into this journey of either trying to disconnect or doing the great rock method or trying to heal after you've disconnected it, it can be a very, um, alarming, surprising, but also you can find relief in the fact that you're like, oh, it's almost like, oh, I figured it out.
Speaker 1: (20:23)
Like you have this pain for years and you find out, oh, you had a little fracture in your arm there, right? Like, you get to figure out what it actually is. Instead of this just feeling of, am I crazy? Am I imagining this pain? Did I cause this pain? I mean, this is like a really bad analogy, but I kind of suck at analogies. So, but you get my point where it's like, oh, there is relief in finally saying maybe this person is a narcissist. So we cannot diagnose them. I wish I could. Some are very textbook one in my life is like literally every thing that a narcissist. The trait is they are, um, some aren't as obvious. So if you want to either, you know, ask questions, you can always email me if you want to work with me and actually work on the healing process, you are disconnected from the person you are or you are co-parenting.
Speaker 1: (21:19)
That is a lot of my clients right now. There's a a lot of co-parenting going on. And then there's also, I have clients, like I said, who have not been through abuse or they've been through it, but it was a long time ago. But they're just really starting to gain confidence or wanting to change their life, saying, I know there's more out there for me. So that is what I love doing. I help women grow into the next chapter of their life. I love doing it. So totally check out my podcast notes to find out the ways to work with me or email me and say hello. I will talk to you in the next episode. Smooches and Doses.