Mini Series 8 - I'm only OK if you're OK

Busting Addiction and Its Myths

Whether we like it or not, we are all susceptible to co-dependency - the need to control another person in our life.
In this podcast, we offer the following insights on the various aspects of co-dependency, especially important when addressing what happens in families who are experiencing addiction at home.
I'm only OK if you're OK
Let's stretch this concept just a little further. Let's say: "The mum is Ok only when her addict son is OK".
The addict's desires begin to rule the family. That's because it has already started to become dysfunctional as a result of addictive disorder living under the same roof.
Because the co-dependent (the mum) is unconscious of her own true needs, the one time she feels OK is when she thinks her son is OK with his life and OK with her. She puts her loved one's happiness above hers at all times, leaving zero room for her own needs or anything that will give her joy or pleasure.
She feels depressed and extremely anxious when her son faces a challenge and is compelled to assist him in solving that problem. She takes ownership of every problem he encounters.
She is compelled to offer a rapid-fire series of suggestions, even tries to change her loved one's beliefs, and feels very angry when her advice is not followed or proves unsuccessful.
She finds herself saying "yes" when she really thinks she should say "no" because the thing she fears the most is the disapproval of her son. In reality, that puts the addict in charge. Imagine a sick, self-centred addict being in charge of anything, let alone what his mother does. Chances are, he's talked his mother into doing something that will enable his addiction to grow and flourish.
Co-dependents exhibit all sorts of attitudes that are self-defeating. They reject praise or compliments. They believe they are not good enough. They believe that they can't do anything right and are fearful of making errors and feel guilty much of the time.
They attempt to help others live their lives as opposed to paying attention to their own well-being. They have a poor sense of boundaries and think nothing of pushing unwanted advice without being asked for it. And yet, what others think of them is paramount.
That's why the co-dependent mum rarely says "no". In the rare event that his mum does say "no", he will make her feel guilty. He connives to make her relent, and if she does say "yes", he will now "love" his mother, and she'll feel OK because he is now OK with her.