How to Grow Independent Adults with Jessica Lahey


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For those listeners who have children, you know they are your biggest source of joy as well as your biggest source of worry and it has never been more true than during this pandemic since we have been closer to our children than we ever expected to be. How do we know if we are handling situations right? In today’s episode, Dr. Josh King welcomes Jessica Lahey, a teacher, writer, and speaker, to talk about what is the best practice to helping your children grow into independent adults during the pandemic and beyond.

Key Takeaways:

[2:15] Jessica shares how her family has been doing during the pandemic.

[4:50] Are children getting what they need during the pandemic?

[6:58] Learn to parent in a more effective way.

[10:20] The pandemic brought teachers into every child’s home.

[11:30] Jessica talks about her book The Gift of Failure.

[15:07] Allowing your kids to struggle is tough work for parents.

[18:12] Helping your children to develop positive adaptive responses to failure.

[20:04] How does it look to let your kids struggle? Explain the why, show how to, and let them do it their way.

[25:20] Shifting parents from a punish paradigm to a reinforcement style, how can parents use praise to help change behaviors?

[27:43] Focus more on the process and less on the product.

[28:56] Jessica talks about the research on extrinsic motivation.

[30:04] We should aim for intrinsic motivation, but how to achieve it?

[31:30] Online learning is a learned skill.

[35:10] Jessica shares her opinion about parents and control.

[38:30] Parents need to find a new way of engaging.

[41:00] Jessica talks about parenting children struggling with substance abuse.

[46:30] Parents need to learn to sit with their own anxiety.

[48:46] Jessica explains why shutting down your child’s friendships never turns out the way that is expected.

[50:11] How to find natural consequences?

[53:38] Jessica talks about her new book that is about to be launched.

Mentioned in this Episode:

The Beyond Addiction Show

Center for Motivation and Change

Center for Motivation and Change on Facebook

Center for Motivation and Change on Twitter

Center for Motivation and Change on Linkedin

Email Dr. Josh King at or tweet him at @DocJoshKing

The Gift of Failure: How the Best Parents Learn to Let Go So Their Children Can Succeed, by Jessica Lahey

Jessica Lahey

Jessica Lahey on Twitter

Jessica Lahey on Instagram

Jessica Lahey YouTube Channel

Tweetables and Quotes:

“Extrinsic rewards affect children’s motivation and learning.” @_TheCMC @DocJoshKing

“If you smooth the path for your children it limits their way to become autonomous.” @_TheCMC @DocJoshKing

“Giving children extrinsic motivators over the long term does not boost motivation; on the contrary they undermine it.” @_TheCMC @DocJoshKing

“Online learning is a skill that needs to be learned.” @_TheCMC @DocJoshKing

“Align yourself with your children, get to know about their feelings.” @_TheCMC @DocJoshKing

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