SWM 092 – How do you know if you’ve had an orgasm

Sex Within Marriage Podcast : Exploring Married Sexuality from a Christian Perspective

Today we’ll be talking about female orgasms and how to tell if you had one. This is prompted by the following question I received from our anonymous Have A Question page.
If the number of women who reach orgasm from penetrative sex is as low as the surveys that you mention say it is, how would a couple know if the woman is one of those that doesn’t orgasm with penetration? For context, I have been married to my wife for 13 years and we have 5 children…I would say our sex life isn’t dry but we aren’t all that creative. There have been things that I have suggested doing and have tried but she has told me that they make her uncomfortable (things like me using my hands to pleasure her or go down on her). I think there may be something connected to past experiences with masturbation and the guilt that came with that as a teen…but I have taken the position of wanting to serve and honor her so I haven’t pushed it. So, for the past 13 years, we have kind of been doing the same thing once every other week or so. A part of me wonders if the lack of desire on her part is because she hasn’t ever really had an orgasm…but that raises the other question of how are we to know? Kind of a silly question I guess, but something I have been pondering while listening to your podcast. Thanks.
How would a couple know if the wife is having an orgasm? That question seems to come up fairly frequently, yet I’m not sure I have a post that answers it.
As such, in this post, we’ll go through the typical signs, behaviours and other indicators that a wife has had an orgasm. We’ll be focusing on the wives because – well, I’ve yet to have a husband or wife ask me how to know if he’s had an orgasm. One of the main reasons, I believe, is that in the vast majority of cases, when men orgasm, they ejaculate. That’s a reasonably clear indicator.
For women, it’s not quite as simple because while some do ejaculate (somewhere in the 15% range), it’s not always connected with an orgasm.
The indications
A few “standard” indicators tell if you’ve had an orgasm. However, some of them are incredibly vague and unmeasurable or highly subjective, so it’s challenging to use them as a good indication of whether or not you’ve had an orgasm.
For example, some people say, “if you aren’t sure, then you haven’t had one,” which is incredibly unhelpful. I’ve been married for 21 years, and my wife has been through seasons where it’s difficult to orgasm and very easy to orgasm. Times when it’s self-evident she’s had one, and times when she’s not sure if she had one or not.
Other indicators are more reliable but might be hard to ascertain in a bedroom setting. Nevertheless, here is the list I’ve managed to gather in the hopes that they will help you figure it out if you’re having trouble.
Of course, most people don’t experience all of these, some only a few, and not every time. So, take them as signs you might be having one, not proof positive that you either are or aren’t.
Muscle spasms / contractions
I’m going to group a bunch of these, though they may present in various or multiple ways.
Let’s start with spasms or contractions in your pelvic floor muscles. Those typically indicate an orgasm, and if you have a medical instrument that can detect those contractions, even if they’re minor,