Emotional Baggage

Conversations with Cinthia

What is emotional baggage, and how does it affect our relationships? Emotional baggage is the remaining residue of trauma on our lives, whether from traumatic events (e.g., physical assault) or in a broader sense (e.g., relational trauma). It can become an ongoing part of what we carry with us into new relationships. We unwittingly take it into new relationships and begin to recreate or re-experience the same thing again and again, reinforcing the trauma-based beliefs we have formed in our thinking, causing them to grow and self-justify. Think of Linus’s blanket in the Peanuts cartoons. What are you dragging with you into your new relationships?

Emotional baggage does not define you. Trauma does not define you. Just as having a sleeping bag placed on top of you does not make you a sleeping bag, having traumatic baggage placed on you does not redefine you as the baggage itself. This means (among other things) that you can make choices that impact how much power your emotional baggage has as your life continues. Toward this end, Cinthia offers a checklist of questions to consider when entering a new relationship:

1. Am I willing to take time to heal (e.g., feel the difficult feelings, process them, etc.), or am I hoping this relationship will be the healing element? (The latter is dangerous.)
2. Am I learning to listen to my gut, or am I listening to the woundedness?
3. Have I felt what I am feeling before this? What is being triggered here?
4. Am I putting on a persona with this person, or am I acting like myself?
5. Have I forgiven myself and my exes for what happened in past relationships, or am I carrying some of it with me?
6. Am I facing/exploring patterns in my own life and getting to know myself honestly?
7. Am I willing to courageously change the things that need to be changed, or am I hoping the relationships will change them for me?
8. Would I want to be with me? Do I like spending time with myself? If not, what do I need to change or accept so that I can present myself honestly with another person and not inflict something on them that I would not want inflicted on me?
9. What do I do when I am being triggered? When do I get triggered, and what triggers me?
10. What will I do if I encounter a concerning situation with this person? What are my options? (Learn to ask yourself, “Does that baggage actually belong to me?” Another person’s behavior may not be about you, and you need to know where you end and they begin. Cinthia emphasized that it is ok to leave a date early, and you can even be gracious about it. You do not have to lie or agree to see him/her again. Learn to utilize self-talk, grounding, breathing, relaxing, identifying your choices, slowing things down -- Stay with yourself. Own your choices and options, and recognize that theirs are not yours. Practice learning to say, “I don’t think we are a match,” “I need to leave now,” etc.)

Recognizing baggage is the first step to overcoming it. Here are some tips for doing so:

First, acknowledge the emotion. Are you feeling sad, mad, glad, or scared? If you are confused, you may be feeling a mix of these. Identify the feelings, and do not blame yourself for feeling them. Learn to say, “I am feeling this. What is triggering it?” Then ask yourself whether there is any true information in the feeling. Feelings are very real but do not always come with true thoughts and information. Allow yourself to feel the emotion without necessarily believing everything it tells you.

Second, face the feelings. Maya Angelou said, “History, despite its wrenching pain, cannot be unlived but, if faced with courage, need not be lived again.” Will you choose courage to face your fears, mistakes, and hurts, to take the journey you need to take?

This process can be like an archaeological dig, per Laurie Allender, LCSW, and her partner Bob Hollender. First, unearth things intentionally and conscientiously. Go back and look at them. To “understand” is to stand under something and look at it, to observe what you can learn from it. Then unravel them. Look without judgement at how the things influence you. Unlock things. Share your story with people who are safe and trustworthy. Learn to forgive. Take responsibility for yourself and your part. Recognize what you resent, what generalizations you have made. This is not about blaming yourself, but about empowering yourself to have more control in the future. Forgive your ex and yourself; for some, one of these may be easier than the other. Turn problems into solutions. Turn the focus away from what you did and toward what you want for the future. Let go of the old, and allow for the new. Look for evidence that it can be different in the new relationship, etc. You can contribute to what is being created now.

Humans were made to be with one another. You were made to be loved. Deal with your baggage so it does not dictate the story of your current or future relationships.