How Do I Love Thee? (Replay from 5-21-23)

Conversations with Cinthia

Cinthia opened today’s episode with a famous sonnet by Elizabeth Barrett Browning, entitled “How Do I Love Thee?” The poem famously begins, “How do I love thee? Let me count the ways,” and then beautifully lists a variety of ways the lover in the poem loves the beloved. Cinthia cited this as a beautiful exploration of the reality that love is acted upon, carried out, expressed in actions and gestures that mean something to the lover and to the beloved.

Have you ever done something meaningful for someone you loved, only to observe that the individual didn’t seem to find it meaningful? It is very important to know how people want to be loved. It can be exhausting to give and give but find that the person to whom we are giving is not emotionally nurtured by the things we are giving. In The Five Love Languages, Gary Chapman listed five “languages” through which people give and receive love; these were words of affirmation, quality time, physical touch, acts of service, receiving gifts. Chapman asserted that individuals tend to have preferred ways in which they most like to be shown love, ways that most effectively communicate love to each person. Cinthia elaborated today on the idea that, while we can all receive love in a variety of ways and may not have only one “love language,” we do have primary preferences in this area, communications of affection that resonate with us more than others, gestures that give us emotional nourishment we can most easily receive. Recognizing and honoring one another’s love languages streamlines our efforts in relationships, making our attempts to meet one another’s needs more effective and keeping the needs from becoming overwhelming.

Learning to communicate through love languages is a process. As a loved one, knowing yourself involves knowing what makes you feel loved and owning it. Adults can accept not having emotional needs met in every situation, but, in close relationships, it is helpful to communicate to other people what will most help us to feel loved. Simultaneously, we must learn the preferences of those we love and be willing to communicate with them in these ways. Cinthia explains, “When we are loving someone, it is an investigative process… The problem is, I probably need to learn how to love you instead of assuming that the way I love feels good to you. See, we have this tendency to want to love people the way that we feel love. But the most loving thing I could do is to love you the way you want to be loved. This means I may need to do things that aren’t very exciting to me, or fun, or invigorating. But, if I do them, you feel great. And, really, maybe that’s the point.” Are you willing to communicate love to your closest loved ones, even when it feels involves altering some of your habits or behaviors, feeling uncomfortable, or engaging in gestures that are not meaningful to you but mean a lot to the one you love?

There are specific messages we need to receive in order to feel loved. These include, “I see you,” which we gain from focused attention, presence, fulfillment the basic human need to be seen; “I know you,” which involves understanding what something might be like for an individual and recognizing how various experiences might be different for one person than for someone else; and, “You’re safe with me,” which requires being able to trust someone with confidences and know that tolerance, forgiveness, acceptance, and desire for growth will be part of the relationship.

Cinthia briefly explored each of the five love languages. Regarding people whose love language is acts of service, she noted that actions are required to back up words spoken. For those whose love language is receiving gifts, the focus is not on how expensive the gift is but on the communication that you know what would please that person and have taken effort to do so. Quality time involves uninterrupted focus, prioritizing your time together, connecting emotionally; while the activity itself is not really the point, planning for and protecting the time together and the focus on each other during that time is important. Words of affirmation can involve verbal or written communication that says how much the person is loved and should also include why, noting specific traits that are appreciated about the beloved. Physical touch, for those who most value it, helps them know that you like being with them, being next to them, creating your own space together; it can involve sexual intimacy in romantic relationships but can also involve other forms of touch, such as shaking hands, patting a back, giving a hug, etc.

It comes down to the “do” – How “DO” I love you? Are you willing to learn, to adapt? If your beloved values being on time, are you willing to make an effort to be on time for that person? If someone you love needs help with something, are you willing to help you, even if it involves something that feels like work for you? How can we give one another concrete experiences of our love, working to make the relationship viable and enduring? Let me count the ways…