Season 2 Episode 41 Reconciling Past Hurt: Estrangement and Beyond

Bite Your Tongue: The Podcast

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What is the biggest regret of most parents today?
Our guest today, one of the foremost experts who studies how individuals and families develop and change throughout their lives, tells us that as we age, we regret not reconciling with family members we may be estranged or distant from.

Today we welcome Dr. Karl Pillemer, Professor of Human Development at Cornell University, where he is also a faculty member in Cornell’s medical school. He is the author of the book: “Fault Lines, Fractured Families and How to Mend Them.” He is the author of several other remarkable books about love, relationships and aging.

We are also welcoming a guest host - Stacie Lavato. Stacie is a long-time listener and reached out to us after we dropped the episode on understanding LGBTQ+ with Levi Teachey and Stacey Shigaya. She wrote such a heartwarming email and the two of us connected. Then, I learned that Stacy produces her own podcast called “Mindful Mama Conversations,” I listened to a few, and I liked her topics and her style, so I asked her to join me.

The biggest “ah ha” moment for Stacie and I is when Dr. Pillemar mentioned “intergenerational stake.” We both had never heard of this - but it makes perfect sense. It is the generational bias in parents' and adult children's perceptions of their joint relationship. He takes it a step further and lets us know why any difficulties in our relationships with our adult children will bother us much more than the adult children.

We address such questions as: How do rifts begin? What makes estrangement so painful? Why is it so often triggered by a single event? Are you ready to reconcile? How can you overcome past hurts to build a new future with a relative?
Thanks so much to Connie Gorant Fisher, our audio engineer.
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1. Season 2 Episode 41 Reconciling Past Hurt: Estrangement and Beyond (00:00:00)

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3. (Cont.) Season 2 Episode 41 Reconciling Past Hurt: Estrangement and Beyond (00:12:42)

4. (Cont.) Season 2 Episode 41 Reconciling Past Hurt: Estrangement and Beyond (00:12:42)