This one time a prophet lost a debate with a donkey

Worst of Bible

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So this guy Balaam is a prophet of God, and Balak, the Moabite king, offers him money to curse the Israelites so the Moabites can fight them proper.

Now in general God never misses an opportunity to do the Israelite people in. There’s some kind of love-hate relationship going on there. But this time, God draws a line and says no.

So Balaam rejects the offer.

But Balak really is interested in getting that curse, so he sends more important officials and increases his offer.

Balaam tells the delegation that he’ll have to check in with God first. After hearing the offer, God allows Balaam to go with them but under no circumstance shall he curse.

So the next morning, Balaam saddles his donkey and accompanies the Moabite delegation. Which really pisses God off.

Ugh, I hate these kind of people. You know, the ones where you ask them whether it’s ok if you do the thing, and they say yes, and then you do the thing and they get all mad that you did the thing because it actually wasn’t ok, and you’re like: What the hell, I’m not a fucking mindreader. But I digress.

So God’s mad because Balaam did the thing. So he sends an angel to stop Balaam. The angel descends and stands in the road with his sword drawn, and naturally the donkey stops, refusing to run into the angel.

Unfortunately, it’s only the donkey who sees the celestial warrior. Balaam on the other hand sees him not.

So Balaam starts harassing the donkey, telling him to move. And when Balaam starts beating the animal, the poor thing has had enough and starts talking.

What have I done to you to make you beat me these three times?

Now I don’t know about you, but if our dog started talking out of bloody nowhere I’d probably have the shock of my life, then I’d ask him a thousand questions and later I’d come up with a scheme to monetize the hell out of this new development.

No so Balaam. He’s so preoccupied with the fact the damn animal isn’t moving he talks back to the donkey like it’s nothing.

You have made a fool of me! If only I had a sword in my hand, I would kill you right now.

The donkey is quick to point out the flaw in his reasoning:

Am I not your own donkey, which you have always ridden, to this day? Have I been in the habit of doing this to you?

Balaam must accept defeat, effectively losing a debate with a donkey. Quite the loss, given he’s a prophet of God and stuff.

God then lets Balaam see the angel and tells him the donkey saved his life. One step further and God would’ve ordered the angel to kill Balaam (don’t forget: Balaam wouldn’t have been here in the first place if God hadn’t allowed the travel).

Not exactly sure what the moral of the story is but if I’d have to go with something, I’d say:

Be kind to animals.

Source: Numbers 22

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