#263 My Spouse Doesn't Respect Me, I Crave Intimacy & Feel LONELY in My Marriage

The EXTRAORDINARY Family Life Podcast

We received this via email: "I read the book The Untethered Soul and I understood that the main idea is letting go of our thoughts and just feeling the emotions and letting them be. Realising some kind of detachment to them.

But I’ve found it really difficult to do that. I get stuck in some thoughts in my head regarding my husband... I have arguments in my mind with him...

I’ve tried to not engage in my thoughts and let them go, but I haven’t succeeded. I think because they are not assumptions but based on previous experiences...

I don’t talk to anybody about this, but I hope by sharing this that you can help me let go.

I have small children and I’m trying to homeschool while needing to do everything else at home. My husband works full-time and doesn’t help much at home. This would be fine, but because I struggle to keep the house clean he is not happy with me. He says he feels that I disrespect him because I don’t keep the house tidy when in reality it’s because I struggle at keeping it clean.

I want to be more capable of doing everything in the home and I’ve been trying so hard yet it’s not enough. The thing is, mess is a daily thing so it’s become a source of stress and anxiety now for me and I don’t want to live like this. It’s affecting how I’m with the kids too.

And I’ve become more cold and resentful towards my husband because he doesn’t want to be more intimate with me because he doesn’t feel respected and I can’t get this out of my mind and it affects me because I crave intimacy. This is the hardest part. I feel so lonely even though I’m married.

I realise this is not helpful. I know he is stressed from work. I just feel that nothing I do is good enough for him. He blames me for things. He is also a very anxious person. When he gets angry he brings up stuff from ten years ago. I don’t speak much, because I don’t want to ‘say the wrong thing’.

I just feel stuck. I feel like I don’t know how to let the thoughts flow, but I really want to, because it’s all I can think about... I realise I’m not enjoying life. But because the lack of intimacy is so difficult I find it so hard to let go.

I’ve never said this to anyone, but I just really want to change and live without being stuck and being able to live more happy and at peace, because it also affects how I behave towards my kids.

I know being stuck in these thoughts won’t make my situation any better, it’s only making it worse. But it’s been something I’ve struggled with for years and I’ve had enough. And now that I know there is a way out, I’m reaching out for help."

Thank you for this open vulnerability! I understand and relate to these feelings. We all want to feel close and connected to our spouse. It is possible when you have the right tools.

In this episode, we share specific practices you can use to:

• let go and process negative and intense emotions
• help your spouse process their negative emotions
• have more understanding of the differences between men and women which are causing conflict in your relationship
• understand your spouse's desires, needs, and points of view
• help your spouse understand your desires, needs, and points of view
• move past points of conflict and gain more intimacy as a couple
• get 'unstuck' when relationship drama is keeping you from focusing on the kids, the home, work, or other projects
• find inner peace and more effective ways to communicate with your spouse

RESOURCES:

• #262 Improve Communication with Your Spouse & Process Emotions to Build an Extraordinary Life & Marriage

• Get Rachel's ⁠⁠Family Systems & Charts⁠⁠
• Join the ⁠⁠28-Day Challenge⁠⁠ for Moms
• Rachel’s ⁠⁠Must-Read Booklist for Well-Read Moms⁠⁠
• ⁠Greg's ⁠⁠Recommended Reading List for Parents & Youth⁠⁠
• Join the ⁠⁠Be The Man Coaching & Tribe⁠⁠
• Download the ⁠⁠⁠Be The Man app on iOS⁠⁠⁠ or ⁠⁠⁠Android⁠⁠
• Take the ⁠⁠⁠Be The Man 7-Day Challenge.⁠⁠⁠
• Follow us on Instagram: ⁠@worldschoolfamily⁠ or ⁠@greg.denning⁠
• Gather with us at the ⁠World School Family (Beach & Farm) Resort⁠ in Portugal