What your Kids are Learning about the Mental Load

The Mental Load

What are we teaching young boys and young girls about the mental load?

What do our kids learn from watching their moms carry the mental load?

One goal of this podcast is to break a generational cycle.

What are we worried our sons are learning when we bear the mental load?

"A popular squabble in my household stems from the fact that I bear the bulk of the mental load. My spouse—who’s a very involved and participatory partner—is still the guy that will make a plan to go to the playground with our kid, but won’t always remember to pack the sunscreen or a snack. (He’s working on it!)

If I go, I’ve packed for every potential scenario. This anecdote isn’t meant to shame him; it’s more meant to illuminate a distinction about the way we—and most of my generation—were raised. Women were taught to take on invisible labor; men were not."

How did we get to a point where girls and women are being encouraged to break barriers, but our sons and men aren't supporting the infrastructure needed to change?

In the 80’s & 90’s girls were taught we could “do anything” (it was an ad campaign!). But the message for boys did not change during this time. So while we were being taught to break barriers and think in new ways outside of traditional gender roles, young boys were not being taught to consider how their roles might have to change.

Boys witnessed both parents going to work, but the questions like “where is my…” “what’s for dinner” “When are we doing…” were still answered by mom.

Likewise, girls learn the behaviors that perpetuate the cycle. This also sets a framework for how future relationships look like.

We want to raise strong girls capable of self advocating. And we want to raise boys who can help bear the mental load in future relationships.

How can we change what young boys and girls learn about the mental load?

1. Husbands can learn and model anticipating so our boys mimic them
2. Non-gendered chores - don’t give boys the “once in a while” chores while your girls get the daily ones (anecdote about “husband lessons” from Sam and how I see Hudson getting frustrated by the mental load of the dishwasher)
3. Teach them planning/anticipating and monitoring - if they feed the dog, they need to be responsible for writing down dog food on the grocery list when it’s needed. Or bringing their laundry to the laundry room if they’re old enough to see they’re running low.
4. Pay both genders equally for chores
5. Create clear expectations and consequences (no video games until your socks are picked up)

Feedback? Email Angie at: [e-mail]