An Open Letter to Television

Newsbleep

Dear Television:

I’m Miles Rausch of the popular Internet-weblog, MilesRausch.com, and the sensational Newsbleep.com, who’s motto is “Stay in the know, now, with Newsbleep”. I have, with great enthusiasm, engendered that slogan-phrase into my personal life, which is why I’m writing you today.

Between you and me, it sucks that the writers went on strike. I feel your pain. (kleenex) I once heard, somewhere, that a public speaker should always be vague about the source and location of personal quotes they use in their speeches, which reminds me of this thing I also once heard, which is that the screenwriting isn’t a work of art, it is a blueprint. You can’t build a building without a blueprint. Well, guess what? I have a ruler, a knife, and a stapler.

That’s right; I am formally offering to abandon Newsbleep to write for one or more of your many (gag) quality shows. I’m talking to you: CBS, ABC, NBC, FOX, and anyone else listening. I know, from my experiences with Newsbleep, that I am finely honed as a writing machine. I would feel comfortable writing for the following shows:

CBS’s Numb-3rs. I haven’t really seen this show, but I understand the premise. An FBI brother and a math geek brother and their father go around solving crimes with math. I think the Ace up my sleeve here is that I graduated with a Bachelor’s degree in Mathematics. I would make sure that at least one character called himself or herself a “Mathstranaut” and asked for “the Fibonacci sequence, now! Lives depend on that eleventh numeral!” And that’s just a taste of the genius.

I could also do the Ghost Whisperer. My mom watches this, but I don’t, so, she could be an episode consultant, if need be. However, I don’t think it would be that hard to write, “Jennifer Love Hewitt wakes up, she sees a ghost, and somehow gets water all over her white tank top for the next thirty minutes.” That would be an Emmy episode. You can get a sense of my approach to this subject by checking out N*005 on Newsbleep.com.

I could also do episodes of ABC’s According to Jim. The only difficult part would be finding half-funny dialogue for all 19 members of his family, but, I forgot, that’s what you do now. I haven’t really seen this show either, but it looks to be all the same sitcom jokes and plot devices, except this time the main guy looks kinda familiar. Replace him with his hilarious brother, and you have an award-winning series. Oh, that’s right; he’s dead.

Cavemen (I wonder who sponsors that show) shouldn’t be too hard, considering it was inspired by a series of car insurance commercials, and I have car insurance. As far as I’m concerned that is all the pretense I need.

If you promise me enough money, I’ll take a stab at Ugly Betty. I normally don’t write for ugly people, but I might be able to suppress my gag reflex long enough to get something on paper that isn’t vomit.

NBC would be harder to please, because a number of their shows I actually have seen, and enjoy seeing, and want to continue to see. I will try my best with The Office. I could have Dwight say, “I never leave my house during the equinox. Fact: the Earth does not orbit in a circle, it is an ellipse. During the equinox there is a .95% greater chance of getting cancer.” And then Michael would try to kiss Ryan.

Scrubs would be hard, too, but I think I have the pattern down: voice over, JD does something dumb, then he feels bad, then he does something silly, then Dr. Cox yells at him, Turks says something ethnic, Carla complains about something, and Elliot gets insecure and probably sleeps with someone. Top it off with some ’80s classical music, a famous guest-star, and wrap all the story lines into a neat bundle at the end.

Also, I would be willing to help turn SNL around. For a fee.

One thing I haven’t done on Newsbleep is to write for animated characters. Fox, here I come. Family Guy, American Dad, King of the Hill, and The Simpsons will all need help. The best part is that one script can produce four episodes. Just hope that the animators don’t go on strike.

Unfortunately, I won’t help with 24. Honestly, how many bad days can one guy have? I am intrigued by Back To You, and the subject is certainly an area I’m familiar with. It’s a hilarious comedy that takes place on the set of a news show, and the characters, who include a host, a field reporter, and a weather girl, don’t always get along. Sound familiar?

You might get the sense that I’ll only do comedy, but I’m not above drama. I think I could do K-Ville some justice. Hip, urban dialogue plus obscure New Orleans references equals a show I could write with about five minutes of googling and UrbanDictionary.com

There can be nothing more despicable than someone holding out from helping a friend until he or she gets paid, but that is exactly what I’m doing. I’d love to help, but my time and talent comes at a cost. I’m afraid this offer comes off the table tonight at midnight.

Good luck, Television, and good night.

P.S. My offer DOES NOT extend to reality TV shows. You’re on your own there.

WRITER:
Miles Rausch – http://milesrausch.com

ACTOR:
Miles Rausch

DIRECTOR:
Miles Rausch