Learning Optimism: You Find What You’re Looking For

Leaning Toward Wisdom

The story may date back earlier than 1917. President Reagan made it famous because it was among his favorite jokes. That's likely where I first heard it. A couple had twin boys who were six years old. Worried that the boys had developed extreme personalities – one was a total pessimist, the other a total optimist – their parents took them to a psychiatrist. First, the psychiatrist treated the pessimist. Trying to brighten his outlook, the psychiatrist took him to a room piled to the ceiling with brand-new toys. But instead of yelping with delight, the little boy burst into tears. “What’s the matter?” the psychiatrist asked, baffled. “Don’t you want to play with any of the toys?” “Yes,” the little boy bawled, “but if I did I’d only break them.” Next, the psychiatrist treated the optimist. Trying to dampen his outlook, the psychiatrist took him to a room piled to the ceiling with horse manure. But instead of wrinkling his nose in disgust, the optimist emitted just the yelp of delight the psychiatrist had been hoping to hear from his brother, the pessimist. Then he clambered to the top of the pile, dropped to his knees, and began gleefully digging out scoop after scoop with his bare hands. “What do you think you’re doing?” the psychiatrist asked, just as baffled by the optimist as he had been by the pessimist. “With all this manure,” the little boy replied, beaming, “there must be a pony in here somewhere!” With all this manure, there must be a pony in here somewhere! Dr. Martin Seligman is the Fox Leadership Professor of Psychology at the University of Pennsylvania. In 1991 he published a book, Learned Optimism: How to Change Your Mind and Your Life. As the dad of two elementary school-age kids who were fast approaching junior high, I was particularly interested in seeing if I could help my children learn optimism. Self-talk was a pretty active conversation with my kids because I understood that their futures would be greatly impacted by the messages they told themselves. The book had a chapter about teaching kids to be more optimistic and included an assessment you could give them. I had my kids take the little quiz to display their level of optimism. Turns out they weren't overly optimistic, but nor were they overly pessimistic. The whole notion of learning optimism stuck with me. Seligman contrasted learning optimism with learning helplessness, the belief that we're incapable of changing our circumstances. Mostly, we think of it as having a victim mentality, but I grew increasingly fond of Seligman's term, helplessness. It seemed more insidious and made me think more people would likely disapprove of admitting helplessness when they might embrace being a victim. As a dad I spent a lot of time coaching my kids to tell themselves positive messages. That little engine that could may have been an early childhood development story, but it's true no matter our age. “Think you can, think you can’t; either way you’ll be right.” -Henry Ford Many of us have heard this all our lives, but that doesn't mean we've mastered doing it. Frequently there's a big gap between what we know and what we do. The challenge is to control our thinking. Experience has taught me that for many of us, job one is to learn we can control our thinking because it's easy to think we're simply stuck with our thoughts. "We are who we are," is the refrain of resignation. It's as though we're unable to grow, improve and change to develop into a better version of ourselves. The twin boys in President Regan's favorite joke were predisposed - one toward pessimism and the other toward optimism. We're amused at the behavior of both of them. Maybe you're thinking that both of them reacted ridiculously. Maybe they did, but those viewpoints had a direct impact on what each of them did. They both took action based on how they viewed the situation. One, the pessimist, embraced misery and suffering. Helplessness was the chosen path.