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Gary McFarlane helps you understand Sex, Porn & Love Addiction. This podcast dives into the neuroscience behind these issues, guiding you on the path to recovery. For more resources, visit: www.kairos-centre.com. Helping you better understand the neuroscience of the brain and sharing what we now better understand about the brain's involvement, from childhood development. To help you effect change; find the real authentic you (whose truth self went off at a tangent in childhood); so that as y ...
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Send us a text - On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centre What is 'Manly'? A conversation with Damian Andrews of SHAIR.Care Podcast (Australia) in 2023. We need you ladies. Don't give up on us yet! So much more practical in finding solutions. Teach us please ladies. We need you. I am convinced that women have been en…
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Sex Addicts - What does it mean to be a man?: Conversations (2)
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Send us a text - On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centre What is 'Manly'?: A conversation with Damian Andrews of SHAIR.Care Podcast (Australia) in 2023. Impediments to having great relationships: Disruption in the bonding in early childhood development with the significant caregivers (usually parents), is a key fact…
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Sex Addicts - What does it mean to be a man?: Conversations (1)
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Send us a text - On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centre What is 'Manly'?: A conversation with Damian Andrews of SHAIR.Care Podcast (Australia) in 2023. What is Man-ness? There is still a caveman instinct inside of us as men. Has the image got distorted as men try to metamorphize ourselves to fit what society tells …
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Send us a text - On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centre "Narcissism because of Sex Addiction - Yuk! That's not me". Many clients initially (but silently and violently) object to any suggestion that there is Narcissism at work. I am never suggesting they have NPD (Narcissist Personality Disorder), but that they WILL…
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Send us a text - On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centre Developmental history from childhood The phase of childhood from birth to age 6 is a critical time of sensitivity, during which time, templates are created which shape future interpersonal interactions. During this sensitive period of development, a child acqu…
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Send us a text - On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centre Sex Addiction is different to Porn Addiction. Sex & Porn Addiction are different to Love Addiction. They all get set up in 3 ways: 1. Opportunity: Material accessed too early in childhood development 2. Trauma: Just as it says on the label of the can! But make…
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Send us a text - On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centre The report found that 58% of respondents had seen violent pornography, including strangulation and rape scenes, before age 18, with girls more likely than boys to witness such content. Children are exposed to increasingly extreme online pornography, with conce…
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Send us a text - On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centre "It was aged....and I came across my [parents] stash of porn. I kept going back to view when they were out and took a few to my my room. They never knew". That is the very typical answer that I have been given by a large percentage of my adult clients when tak…
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Send us a text - On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centre Newspaper headline: "Joe is 10 years old and he is on The Sex offenders register and he has not yet kissed a girl". How can that be? Is that really true? Surely not! Ok my goodness! Even though that is not in the content of her Report, here is what the Childre…
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Sex Addict and effective Communication - do you know these truths?
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Send us a text - On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centre Put these tools into your armoury of resources to help you communicate more effectively: John Grays 'Men are from mars and women are from Venus' is still worth a read. Also (although a somewhat provocative title) 'Men don't listen and women can't read maps' - …
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Sex Addict - The Body tells the truth, more than the trained Brain
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Send us a text - On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centre Sex addict, your body demeanour is going to give you away. Know the facts about the body and how you main have trained it to 'tell on you'! When we first meet someone we form a very strong impression of them within the first 40 seconds. We form a lasting opini…
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Send us a text - On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centre When we are communicating, the information is passing through the filters of the different structures of the brain. Sex Addiction does damage the brain and so, damages the filters. We all have filters. The message being transmitted is going through the receive…
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Send us a text - On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centre "A friend asks, "Tell me one word which is significant in any kinds of relationship." Another friend says, "LISTEN!" — Santosh Kalwar As we continue to Repair broken communication in the couple because of Sex/Porn/Love Addiction trauma damage - recognise there…
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Sex Addict - 'Communication' is like a tandem bicycle wheel
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Send us a text - On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centre Remember our foundational question: 'Do you enter a conversation to be understood or to understand?' Communication is like a bicycle wheel. Picture the two of you riding along the road to your destination, but not getting very far because both wheels on your t…
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Effective Communication with you is broken - Sex Addict
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Send us a text - On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centre "Being heard is so close to being loved that for the average person, they are almost indistinguishable." — David Augsburger Listening effectively is a very valuable gift to someone. It is costly. It values the other person. It is learned and must be practiced.…
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Send us a text - On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centre We are continuing to look at Couples Counselling to 'Repair' the Sex, Porn, Love Addiction relationship damage. Let's focus on 'Communication'. "The most basic of all human needs is the need to understand and be understood. The best way to understand people is…
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Send us a text - On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centre Human beings have a life cycle. Let’s take a look. (The last two stages are not governed by age). Infant (Birth to 2 years): Changes in schedules, bedtime, routines new people around - can cause anxiety during this phase. Child (3 to 9 years): Social skills ar…
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Send us a text - On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centre Split agendas and contrary motives - that are hidden from each other. Is that you? Jake & Jasmine on the seesaw of life, illustrates it. There are appearances, but below the surface of the relationship may be there is entrenched Emotional Disengagement. Couple…
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Stubborn as a mule - you are - with your Sex Addiction
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Send us a text - On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centre Let's continue our look at 'Repairing the damaged couples relationship, post Sex Addiction'. Does that image of the mules describe your relationship? of course not you, but your partner! Each trying to get their needs met. Those Core Emotional Needs. Remember …
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Repairing the Couple after Sex Addiction damage (Continuation)
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Send us a text - On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centre Building new foundations for the couple: Take a look at the Different Relationship Images document attached to this Podcast. I try to bypass language as much as possible. Feelings do not always tell the truth. We can be very English. Very British! Question: "H…
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Relationship "Pinches" & "Crunches" that hurt (Part 2)
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Send us a text - On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centre Couples counselling is not necessarily about keeping a couple together at all. All about exploring options. Also to help you both gain insight and understanding about self and how you do life, as an individual. Whether a Partnership or a marriage, these things…
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Send us a text - On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centre Shaped by circumstances from birth Picture the new born baby which starts life with innocence and a brain with few impressions. It starts to experience life and living and soon the brain has some impressions and templates being carved out. Good and not so good…
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Send us a text - On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centre Highs and lows of the Couples relationship is a given. What impacts you, may not impact a partner and vice versa. Childhood development personality and characteristic sharping experiences, play a significant part in that process. Sex Addicts need to take their…
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Send us a text - On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centre We fall in love with 'Differenceness' and 'Sameness'. Over the years, we can become dissatisfied with the unconscious differences of a partner, that is now in the conscious. So we set about trying to change them to be more like us, since those visible and cons…
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Send us a text - On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centre Early relationships (often with our parents) has a very powerful impact on the blueprint of partner choice. They are unconsciously looked at as being able to repair those childhood wounds. We often seek a blueprint that “fits” ours. When we meet a potential pa…
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Send us a text - On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centre At the beginning of the couples therapy session, I like to ask a first question - 'How did you guys meet?' Telling the story will reveal the greater truth about where the couple are at in the conflict. Has the loving got snuffed out or is there a glimmer of li…
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Sex/Porn/Love Addiction counselling is specialised Therapy
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Send us a text - On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centre Client, choose your Therapist carefully. It makes a big difference to outcomes. In 2024 the British Association for Counsellors and Psychotherapy (BACP) released an Ethical framework for working with Addictions and also a set of 'Addictions competence framewor…
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Sex Addict - first learn Intimacy, Sensuality & Romance, before sex
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Send us a text - On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centre When there is conflict in the couples relationship, sex and intimacy becomes the first casualty which fly out the window. It is very difficult (sometimes feels impossible) to physically touch the person with whom you are in conflict. Yet, touch is exactly what…
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Send us a text - On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centre Unresolved issues; unprocessed childhood issues, loose canons, unpotted snooker balls - are some of the terms that I use, for the process of work that I do multiple times every day with clients - using EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitisation Reprocessing). Another …
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Sex Addiction: Repairing the damaged couple - The Change Process
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Send us a text - On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centre Have you heard the Joke about the bride who learned her script for what she had to remember on the wedding day - as: 1) Aisle 2) Altar 3) Hymn What has shaped you to be doing life how you are doing life? So often, it is about those childhood development years …
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Send us a text - On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centre Over 90% of couples that The Kairos Centre counsel, are in conflict because Core Emotional Needs are not being met. Some of those Core Emotional Needs are such things as lack of Security, Respect, Comfort, Affection, Respect. They are not negotiable human need…
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Send us a text - On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centre Testosterone in males is at its height in their late teens to early 20's. Women's sex drive does not reach its peak until their late 20's to early 30's. Therefore, a mismatch is going on between the sexes. Aged 15 to 25 years old males have a 4 times higher li…
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Send us a text - On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centre Men's brains are configured very differently when it comes to a response to sex. There are 3 areas to know about - which are over twice the capacity of the female: The Medial Pre-optic Area (MPOA): Is an area of the Hypothalamus that regulates various physiolo…
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Send us a text - On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centre Alcohol consumption raises women's testosterone levels. Same for men, but with excess, men's levels start to decrease. Not so for women. Women are not use to the effects of such higher levels of testosterone and so a young woman can become a very different sex…
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Sex Addicts - Sex Ed that 'Porn & Peers' didn't teach you (3)
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Send us a text - On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centre In all your getting, get understanding: Men see female promiscuity as a deal breaker. If a man finds that a woman is not sexually active, he will intuitively feel that she is more likely to be faithful. Sexual integrity and sexual loyalty, is the most valued t…
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Sex Addicts - Sex Ed that 'Porn & Peers' didn't teach you
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Send us a text - On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centre The younger the age that a female experiences sexual arousal, the higher the socio-sexual index she is going to have. (Socio-sexual index is the amount of casual/'promiscuity' sex that a person has). The higher the promiscuity at a younger age, the more open t…
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Send us a text - On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centre Gen A and their siblings, listen up. Hear this bit of neurobiology. At puberty, males Androgen levels explode at puberty and between aged 13 to 15. It is 10 to 30 times higher at puberty, than pre-puberty. In females, Androgen levels (such as Testosterone - an…
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Sex Addicts Relapse Prevention Plan & you are almost there!
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Send us a text - On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centre In this episode, the audio takes you through matters which could be contained in a Relapse prevention card which you keep with you at all times. This narrative will focus upon what might be included in a Personal Relapse Prevention Plan (PRPP): Your identified…
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Sex Addict - the end is nigh - Don't take your foot off the gas
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Send us a text - On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centre Don't approach your one year (from last 'Acting out) sobriety, as an end to the work. Don't do 'out of sight out of mind'; 'I never want to see that Recovery Programme material again'. Don't do it like that - at the end. 'I can stop reciting my 'Pillars' now. …
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Sex Addict - plan for lifelong success - not watching for Relapse in the rear view mirror
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Send us a text - On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centre You need to applaud yourself on a job well done - to have got this far - at least one year from last Acting out. Now work towards achieving contentment. Life is a balancing act. On the one hand, you need to keep old habits at bay. Yet, on the other hand, you n…
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Sex Addict - Recovery work does not have to be for life, but....
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Send us a text - On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centre Relapse Prevention tools are for life. Why? Because the neural Pathway that was opened, created and practised for many years, is dominant, but has the potential to be reactivated in an instant. It is easier to reactivate it and it becoming larger than life, fo…
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Sometimes you have to just R.U.N for your life - from Sex Addiction
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Send us a text - On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centre When all your Recovery Programme tools, skills and resources are not coming to your aid - have failed you - just R.U.N. There are times when all else fails and R.U.N really is the last option available to you in that moment. Don't debate with yourself; don't r…
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Send us a text - On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centre 'Brain, I'm telling you - you don't fight fair. Underhand. Dirty. I'm trying to do this for us. Are you listening to me?' I do a strange thing with everyone of my Sex Addiction clients. Multi-talented as I am, I do brain surgery on each one. (Mine is a bit cru…
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Send us a text - On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centre Undistort your Cognitive Distortions. How? What are Cognitive Distortions? Examples might be: 'All guys do it', 'At least I am no longer visiting porn sites', 'I'll only be on here for 5 minutes, no longer', 'What I do, is not as bad as...', 'What an horrendou…
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Send us a text - On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centre Negative Core Beliefs are often hidden from view. Often disguised; but masquerade as truths. They live in the unconscious. Not easily touchable. They work away in the hidden place doing their worst. They are uninvited guests. They have over stayed their invita…
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Those with Sex Addiction - Cognitive comes before the behaviour
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Send us a text - On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centre Create new thinking to change the behaviour. How? A step at a time, to re-wire the brain. Create new Neural Pathways progressively over time. What is this thing called Neural Pathways? The hamster wheel patterns of behaviours. Those habits. The programming so …
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Send us a text - On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centre A poem by Portia Nelson, published in her book There's a Hole in My Sidewalk: The Romance of Self-Discovery Verse I I walk down the street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk I fall in. I am lost ... I am helpless. It isn't my fault. It takes forever to find…
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Triggers may be an ally, not a foe - Sex Addiction clients!
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Send us a text - On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centre Triggers are a clue to our dissociated Traumas - So says Carolyn Spring in Part 2 of her article on Managing Triggers: https://www.carolynspring.com/blog/we-have-two-choices-when-triggered/ The past events that we want to avoid thinking about or confronting, m…
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Send us a text - On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centre Triggers don't play fair. They are often unpredictable (like a music track which comes on) and moves you from chilled to a fight to maintain sobriety. So underhand. Not a nice play partner. Carolyn Spring talks about the aftermaths of Triggers, from the sense …
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Sex Addicts - turning off Fight/Flight/Freeze response - ain't an option
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Send us a text - On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centre The cave man/cave woman response of Fight/Flight/Freeze, is alive and well. Don't beat your brain up too badly. It is just doing what it was designed to do to protect you. The options it chooses or gravitates to, are at times, rather dubious and for Sex Addict…
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