162: Supporting children through grief with Katie Lear

Your Parenting Mojo - Respectful, research-based parenting ideas to help kids thrive

This episode builds on our conversation with Dr. Atle Dyregrov on the topic of talking with children about death, where we focused mainly on death as a general concept and navigating the first few days after the death. Grief therapist Katie Lear has a new book called A Parent's Guide to Managing Childhood Grief and focuses on the much longer period of mourning that follows the death of someone close to a child. We look at:

• The four 'tasks' of mourning that most people (including children) move through
• Activities we can do in each task to help children navigate their feelings effectively
• long the process usually takes
• Signs that a child is engaged in 'complicated grief' and needs more support
• Where and how to find that support

Resources mentioned in the show Katie's website The book A Parent's Guide to Managing Childhood Grief Selma Fraiberg's book The Magic Years: Understanding and Handling the Problems of Early Childhood The Dougy Center(resources and referrals to grief therapists) Books Katie recommends for reading with young children When Dinosaurs Die Ida Always The Endless Story The Dead Bird Goodbye Mousie Jump to highlights (03:13) Important topics in Katie Lear’s book, A Parent's Guide to Managing Childhood Grief (04:43) Understanding what grief looks like in children and in adult (07:38) The four tasks that children need to work through during the grieving process (11:39) Useful activities in supporting children in the first stages of grief (14:03) Katie recommends picture books about death that are written in a way that children can understand and that help normalize the feelings associated with the grieving process (15:49) Should we tell our children the truth about a parent's death? (17:45) Feelings a child experiences when someone close to them dies (18:54) How does displaying a parent's grief to their child affect their behavior (21:24) Understanding our child’s commotion or acting out when they’re in the grieving process (24:11) What is Magical Thinking and how it’s connected to a child’s development (29:16) How Magical Thinking works in adults who are grieving (30:24) What is the environment like for children who are adjusting after a loved one has gone (32:01) Family bonding activities we can do to help our family process grief (33:14) How children navigate into a parentified role after the death of a parent (35:17) Which parent's death affects how a child responds to grief (37:34) Understanding the ages at which children process bereavement (40:21) Why should we consider having rituals and memorials for a loved one who passed away (43:45) How long does it take most children to recover from grief? (46:00) What is complicated grief look like in children (53:37) How to find the right resource therapist that is specialized in children’s grief References Fogarty, J.A. (2000). The magical thoughts of grieving children: Treating children with complicated mourning and advice for parents. Amityville: Baywood Publishing.

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Haine, R.A., Ayers, T.S., Sandler, I.N., & Wolchik, S.A. (2008). Evidence-based practices for parentally bereaved children and their families. Professional Psychology Research & Practice 39(2), 113-121.

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Lear, K. (2022). A parent’s guide to managing childhood grief. New York: Adams Media.

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Pham, S., Porta, G., Biernesser, C., Walker Payne, M., Iyengar, S., Melhem, N., & Brent, D.A. (2018). The burden of bereavement: Early-onset depression and impairment in youths bereaved by sudden parental death in a 7-year prospective study. American Journal of Psychiatry 175(9), 887-896.

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Worden, J. W. (1996). Children and grief: When a parent dies. New York: Guilford Press.