How to Say What You Mean with Oren Jay Sofer

The Sonya Looney Show

Sometimes it's hard to say what you mean. Oren Jay Sofer says, "Communication is a learnable skill and it’s one of the most powerful levers for making change in your life and the world." Non-violent communication is about taking responsibility for what we are experiencing using empathy, deep listening, know how to make requests.

Author and renowned meditation instructor Oren Jay Sofer regularly teaches a mindful approach to non-violent communication. spent two and a half years of living as an Anagarika (renunciate) at branch monasteries in the Ajahn Chah Thai Forest lineage. Today, his teaching combines classical Buddhist training with the accessible language of secular mindfulness. Since the early 2000s, Oren has had a deep interest in the relationship between contemplative practice and communication. A graduate of the BayNVC North American Leadership Training, he has taught classes and workshops in Marshall Rosenberg’s Nonviolent Communication (NVC) nationally since 2006. His innovative retreats and online programs in Mindful Communication offer one of the only opportunities in the U.S today to explore the intersection between formal meditation practice, Right Speech and NVC. Oren is the founder and Guiding Teacher of Next Step Dharma, an innovative online course focused on bringing the tools of meditation to daily life, and co-founder of Mindful Healthcare. Oren has created mindfulness programs for organizations, companies, and apps including Apple, Kaiser Permanente, Lumosity, Calm, 10% Happier, Simple Habit and others.

I loved his book, Say What You Mean: A Mindful Approach to Nonviolent Communication. In the book, a main theme is that every thought or feeling is there to try to meet a need. If you can try to figure out what need your thoughts are tied to, it's easier to articulate what you need to those around you. It's also useful when listening to someone in a disucssion or conflict to tease out what need they are trying to have met. I also enjoyed learning about conflict and viewing it as a way to deepen relationships. I also learned that non-violent communication and conflict resolution isn't necessarily to try to get someone to do things your way, it's about deepening understanding of one another because sometimes we simply can't agree to have the same viewpoint. Non-violent communication has a framework of observation, the feeling, the needs and values to be met, and the request.

Three questions you can ask yourself are what happened, how do I feel about it, and why?

I also loved learning about how to use mindfulness in listening and communication as well as how to ground yourself in your own body when tensions rise.

Topics Discussed in the Podcast

• from childhood actor to meditation instructor
• 4 types of conflict avoidance
• self-empathy
• tools for internal pressure
• No mud, no lotus
• addressing the voiceless and gender constructs
• how to make requests of others

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Resources

• Oren Jay Sofer's website
• Get Oren's book: Say What You Mean: A Mindful Approach to Nonviolent Communication

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