117. Intimacy After Pregnancy or Infant Loss with Libby Marler

The Joyful Mourning - A Podcast for Women Who Have Experienced Pregnancy or Infant Loss

Today we finish up our series on marriage after loss with a special interview with Libby Marler about intimacy after pregnancy or infant loss. Libby joins us as a trained and experienced counselor who specializes in the perinatal period, the time of pregnancy and the year following a pregnancy. She also specializes in grief and loss and joins not only as an expert but also as a mom who has walked through a life-limiting diagnosis and infant loss. What Libby shares in this episode is going to be incredibly helpful as it relates to intimacy after baby loss and marriage in general when grieving.

This is an aspect of baby loss that is often not talked about and often considered a taboo topic in culture in general. But it is really important and vital to the health of your marriage so I am incredibly grateful for Libby taking the time to share with us.

She shares this idea about how there are two basic styles of grieving and that in and of itself would be worth listening to -- it was that helpful. Libby talks about why intimacy after the loss of a baby can feel so hard, she addresses the woman who might feel like she is dishonoring her baby by being intimate with her spouse, she addresses the woman who feels guilty for not being able to connect with her spouse in that way, and she also addresses the woman who is finding comfort in intimacy. She gives so much freedom to all of us when she says:

“not all couples, not all women experience things in the exact same way. So there's nuance to each and every experience and just like grief, how you and your husband relate to each other sexually after you experienced the loss of the baby is going to fall on a spectrum at any given time.

And we really run into trouble in marriage, when we misunderstand and misinterpret our partners different grieving styles and how they use different strategies to adapt and cope with the feelings of grief that they have. And that can especially happen in terms of our intimate relationship.”

During our time together we also talked about how intimacy is more than just a purely physical act and what it might look like to reconnect in other ways. I loved when Libby said this:

"Other things that I think of is laughing together. And that's really hard in grief, but finding ways to laugh is important, it connects you and reduces your feelings of stress and actually helps release some endorphins for you to feel happier, more connected. The stress level goes down and gives you more of a sense of wellbeing.”

If you want a few ideas for how to reconnect with your spouse and create opportunities for laughter, head to www.themorning.com/datenight to download 29 Date Night Ideas. We created those with the purpose of reconnecting in mind, trying new things and even laughing.

Last thing before we jump in, when I asked Libby what resources she recommended on this topic and for marriage in general she said, get in community -- find other women who are navigating this grief journey and marriage after loss journey so you will be reminded that you aren’t the only one and that you aren’t alone.

If you have not already joined us I want to invite you to come join our free online community by heading to www.themorning.com/community - I hope to see you there!