Getting Too Old For This Shit!

Quintessentially Mental: The Podcast

Transcript

SureEyes: [00:00:00] you're listening to quintessentially mental a podcast hosted by sure eyes, please note that this host is not a mental health practitioner or professional, and this podcast is not made for treatment of any mental illness.

[00:00:26] Spudcaster: [00:00:26] Quintessentially mental: the podcast is produced and hosted by Spudcaster for baobulb.org .

[00:00:32] SureEyes: [00:00:32] Hey y'all this is quintessentially mental, the podcast, and I'm your host SureEyes today's episode is called getting too old for this shit.

[00:00:48] Inspiration for this being that, you know, at various times on my mental health journey, I find myself thinking, but now haven't I dealt with this haven't I been here haven't I shouldn't, I, should I be too old for this shit though? Should I not have arrived? And so I really want to, you know, chat with someone who

[00:01:16] has been on a, on a similar lengthy therapy journey, um, in terms of managing their mental health and trying to understand, you know, do we, do we ever arrive? Do we ever reach a point where we're like, yep. See that issue. We see you. We know you're there. You know, you're not going to get us because honestly we're too old and too wise for this shit.

[00:01:45] Um, yeah. So I think, I think given, given my own mental, mental health journey, um, And it's something I always, I always laugh about in hindsight, it's usually when I'm telling the story of what happened, you know, when this person said this and I did that and, but now am I not getting too old for this shit?

[00:02:09] You know? And, and I guess my questions becomes. How do we transition this into the moment when, when it's actually happening for us to, you know, change our behavior and, and say, look, you know, we we've, we've been here, we've done this, we've got the t-shirt and we we've got this, you know, and, and we can progress and move forward, um, on this journey.

[00:02:34] Join us after the ad break, when we continue the conversation.

[00:02:37]Spudcaster: [00:02:37] baobulb.org is a podcasting platform and a medium for storytelling. This podcast is also available on all the major podcasting apps, including Apple and Google podcasts podcast your life with baobulb.org.

[00:02:54] SureEyes: [00:02:54] Welcome back to quintessentially mental the podcast hosted by SureEyes .

[00:02:59]Hey, ya'll, so this is quintessentially mental, the podcast, and I'm joined by a new friend of mine, actually, my brothers squeeze. her name is Taryn . Hey girl, how you doing.

[00:03:12] Taryn Holmes: [00:03:12] Good. How you doing?

[00:03:13] SureEyes: [00:03:13] I'm good. Did you enjoy a little intro?

[00:03:16] Taryn Holmes: [00:03:16] Was amazing. I mean, I don't know about that little squeeze part, but sure. Let's go with that

[00:03:21] SureEyes: [00:03:21] main squeeze,

[00:03:23] Taryn Holmes: [00:03:23] only squeeze.

[00:03:31] SureEyes: [00:03:31] Well, we're pretty new friends. And like we've, we've had quite a few mental health conversations, mostly because we've both, we're kind of similar in age and have been in. Therapy for like what feels like most of our adult lives. Um, and so, you know,

[00:03:53] what I kind of want to chat with you about is. This idea of, have we ever really dealt with our mental health? Like, Oh, do you think we're going to be in therapy for the rest of our life?

[00:04:05] Taryn Holmes: [00:04:05] And after that, definitely after that too, especially at the rate I'm going these days,

[00:04:12]SureEyes: [00:04:12] Say more. What do you mean?

[00:04:14] Taryn Holmes: [00:04:14] Um, I dunno. I just feel like, um, so I started therapy when I was 20. Um, and it was something that I did totally on my own.

[00:04:23] Nobody told me to do it. It was just something I felt like I needed to do for myself. And I thought it would help me with, um, all the issues that we think we have, you know, like our parents, um, And our upbringing and our lifestyles and all of that and the relationships that we were in, whether it be friendships or romantic relationships.

[00:04:44] And I just feel like I've been working towards a certain goal and I just feel like I'm never going to get there. And while I've made progress and while I've certainly, um, taken quite substantial steps, meaningful steps, I just feel like the finish line is no closer.

[00:05:05] SureEyes: [00:05:05] But what makes you say that? So I know for me a while ago

[00:05:10] I had a bit of a break, well, not a breakdown, but I was just like, fuck, I just keep doing the same thing. Like, why am I even in therapy? So like, why am I even doing this when my behavioral pattern is the same?

[00:05:29] For me, like, I don't even think I have a goal. So like for you, what do you mean that you're not even closer to your goal? Like what, what do you mean?

[00:05:40] Taryn Holmes: [00:05:40] I suppose I feel like I just want to get over, you know, there's certain things that we all go through with ourselves, like. I've got a lot of self-doubt. Um, I think I come across as the most secure most, um, I've got this kind of person that you could ever come across, but actually I'm probably one of the most insecure people you'll ever meet.

[00:06:05] And I feel like I've been working on that and working on that and working on that. And I'm just not getting any further with it. I understand what triggers me. I understand. Um, understand the reasoning behind it, understand like my, my psychologist, she calls it my scripts. So I'm well aware of what my scripts are and

[00:06:27] SureEyes: [00:06:27] It's what you tell yourself basically, yes.

[00:06:30] Taryn Holmes: [00:06:30] Yeah. Well, yeah. And like, not only that, but like the script is that she, she describes it as, um, like the script of our life, you know? So like, or maybe like the book of our life, the story of our life and yeah. When certain things happen in our lives, we are triggered and taken back to that moment. And then we act in a specific kind of way.

[00:06:53] Um, and I just feel like after so much therapy and after so much understanding. And like, if somebody else behaves in a particular way, I can look at them and I can totally understand what they're doing and why they doing it. And I can try and talk them down if you want to call it that. But I can't do that for myself either.

[00:07:15] SureEyes: [00:07:15] So, I guess I think, you know, for me, what it makes me think of is we always able to be friends to other people, but we're not able to be friends to ourselves when you can

[00:07:29] see, you know, I used to have this thing that said, you know, I say, treat yourself like you would your

[00:07:36] friend. Cause we just don't have the same level of compassion, understanding empathy, like all the other things we like, if, if it was me going through something that you're going through, you would say to me, and which you often do, you've got this.

[00:07:56] It's okay. It's okay to feel the way you do, or, you know, we don't do that with ourselves. I think

[00:08:03] we're so hard on ourselves because we're like we should be done with this by now. Like we've been dealing with this, you know, why are we still touched. Why are we still reacting to this? Like, it's the first time we're

[00:08:16] Taryn Holmes: [00:08:16] why are we so triggered by something we've worked so hard on overcoming.

[00:08:21] SureEyes: [00:08:21] Exactly. And I think, I think the tough part to realize well there've been two things that have come to my mind over the past few days, I think the first is kind of awareness or getting over denial doesn't necessarily equal a change in behavior. So like this whole

[00:08:42] understanding, understanding. Like, you know, the fact that you know, what it is, you know, these are, these are the issues, you know, this is how the issues affect you.

[00:08:52] You know, you know, how you behave when these things happen. But like in that moment, when you're being triggered, you know, it doesn't all that awareness doesn't necessarily equal their behavior actually shifting.

[00:09:06] Taryn Holmes: [00:09:06] Ja it all goes out the window and you just carry on like a lunatic. I mean, if you want to call it that, but you just, you let go of all that understanding and it's really very frustrating. Um,

[00:09:21] yeah, I dunno.

[00:09:23] SureEyes: [00:09:23] Yeah. I dunno. You know, it's, it's a struggle because it's like, I remember when also I started therapy when I was about 19. What am I now I'll be 35 this year. So legit, like, you know, more than 10 years ago, 15 years.

[00:09:44] Um, you know where again, you say I kind of didn't stick with one therapist. Throughout my journey, right? Because either I had moved cities or had taken a break, well, their relationship hadn't worked out or whatever. And it reached a point where I was just like, listen, bruh,

[00:10:04] I know what my issue is.

[00:10:06] I know why I'm like this. I don't need to like figure out what, what, what my issue is. I know what it is. And it's about how do I actually deal with it? When it's happening, not dealing with it in the therapy room, if that makes sense. Yeah. And then I had my last

[00:10:25] Taryn Holmes: [00:10:25] those life, tools

[00:10:26] SureEyes: [00:10:26] Yeah then my psychiatrist would say, you know, therapy happens outside of therapy. You know, your healing happens when you're not in this space where you're talking about your healing or talking about your issues. It's when you're actually experiencing it. I

[00:10:46] don't know. It's such a tricky one. I don't like, I don't know. I just feel like it's going to be this. It's going to be, are we just going to get better at dealing with it. Do you think you've become, you've gotten better at dealing with it?

[00:10:58] Taryn Holmes: [00:10:58] 100% yes I'm so much better at dealing with things, um, before if I was triggered or if I was going through a rough stage, um, I would become overly OCD, um, to a point where I would shower, like every hour or like. Every two hours or whatever, like, and I could, I never felt clean enough.

[00:11:19] I never felt that. It's didn't matter how many times I showered or washed or whatever I was never, ever, ever, ever clean enough and any type of thing. Like even if I went outside into the garden and then came back inside, I felt contaminated again. Um, so I've learned that that was my way of controlling situations when I felt out of control.

[00:11:41] In other situations, so I've become better at doing that. I'm definitely, um, I know how to cope with that and. When I tweak out and when, uh, when I'm in a phase, which I'm actually going through at the moment, I recognize what's happening and I understand what's happening and I don't let it affect me as much as it would once have, but that doesn't mean to say that I'm not still affected by it.

[00:12:07] And it doesn't mean that I'm not still going through the motions of everything. And, um, I had a, I had a discussion with my psychiatrist and we discussed that my issue could be post COVID, um, because I had COVID and, uh, he was saying that why I think I stand to be corrected but one in five people that have had COVID, um, and are on antidepressants, um, have some type of, uh, like, uh, uh, uh, post COVID syndrome where they

[00:12:41] just battle with the prolonged fatigue and the prolonged depression. And it just, it just totally takes it out of you. And while he was saying that could possibly be what I'm going through. There's obviously no concrete evidence because COVID, hasn't been around for long enough and not enough studies have been done.

[00:13:01] But what he say to me made sense, and now, it's just a question of, do I ride it out or do I, up my antidepressant dosage for about a month to see if that gets me out of the funk or not?

[00:13:14] SureEyes: [00:13:14] Yeah. So I think you've raised two things that I wanted to kind of talk about, because I think it's things that evolve as you go through your therapy or.

[00:13:26] Your healing, mental health healing journey, I think is you said, you know, he said it's post COVID. So did receiving some kind of, I don't wanna say diagnosis because that isn't really an official diagnosis because COVID is so real and, you know, it's so new and it hasn't really been around and does receiving a diagnosis.

[00:13:53] Almost give you comfort because it's like, okay, now I know what I'm dealing with. Like, did you feel less overwhelmed being able to name it or, you know, like this idea of, I know for me, when I received the diagnosis, it was like, Oh, this is why I've been behaving like this. It's not just, you know, so does receiving this diagnosis.

[00:14:22] Like change the way you start thinking about the thing that you're going through. Do you think?

[00:14:30] Taryn Holmes: [00:14:30] Um, I suppose to some degree it does, but I still feel frustrated because I'm like, why does it have to be, you know, like, and I don't mean to be negative or why me, but like, there's always something else, you know, just as one thinks that you're overcoming something, then something else rears its ugly head.

[00:14:49] So, yes, I take comfort in knowing that Oh, okay. Actually I'm not, you know, like all that messed up. I'm not all that damaged. There's reason for this. But then on the other hand, I'm like, well, why, why, why does there always have to be something else? I mean, it also spoke about, he spoke about medications as well, because I recently had quite a bad breakout with my skin.

[00:15:15] And, um, that, that has happened for me since my, my early twenties. And I'm now I'll be 34 this month. And so for the last 10 years, I've been struggling really badly with, with bad acne. Cystic acne. And so recently I went back on to reaccutane and he mentioned that the Reaccutane could also be affecting the medication, um, which also, you know, takes us out of sync if you want to call it that.

[00:15:40] Um, and then also like our Arcoxia, which is an anti-inflammatory, I've had some really bad shoulder issues. Um, he says that the alcoxia could be interfering with the my antidepressant . So is it the COVID is it the arcoxia ? Is it the reaccutane ? Is it just me? You know,

[00:15:59] SureEyes: [00:15:59] but I think what you, what you're raising is quite important, right? Is that mental health is so ethereal , so to speak, you know,

[00:16:09] it's, it's something that we can't always locate and identify the exact cause for a particular problem. And. You know, most of the time, it's a combination of things that add up to effect and kind of, you know, just impact your ability to function right on like a psychological, emotional, or mental playing field.

[00:16:40] And so I think, you know, it is very difficult to pinpoint and say, you know, It's not like when you, when you, when you fall off fall from the roof and you break your leg and you're like, it's because I fell from the roof or I, you know, there was a loose tile or whatever, right? Like

[00:17:02] with, when it comes to like physical illness, I think it's a lot easier to pinpoint what the cause of it is versus something that's. So not only. That you can't really see per se, you know, that, you know, but it's also something that isn't that well understood.

[00:17:23] So it's, I think it's difficult for you to say, you know, and, and I think it brings up, it brings up something that could be the cause of. You know, a lot of our mental issues, which is, you know, it could be the fact that we're going through this pandemic. It could be that you were ill and this illness

[00:17:45] that's new has post recovery effects that we don't know because this illness is so new, it could be medication reactions. It could be, um, You know, it could be the fact that your physical body hasn't been well and that's impacting the way you feel about yourself.

[00:18:04] Like there's so many re there's so many things that impact our mental health, you know, and I think it's such a complex thing to be able to understand and just talk about, you know, not nevermind you don't understand it, but like even when you do, you know, even when your affected by it and impacted by it,

[00:18:27] Taryn Holmes: [00:18:27] Yeah.

[00:18:27] And then, like you say it and then talk about it, you know, and I mean, I feel like there's still such a stigma around mental health, you know? Um, so many people frown upon people who, who stand up and say, you know, I've, I've, I am affected by mental health. And so sometimes talking about it isn't even an option because.

[00:18:50] You feel judged, um, or you feel like there's something wrong with you? Um, like so many people, you, like there's been a couple of people in my life where I've said to, you know I take antidepressants and all of a sudden they whole view of me changes, you know, because I'm that person that depends on a tablet too

[00:19:08] carry on with my life. Yeah. So I think it also comes in there where you say to talk about it or whatever, you know, you've got to have a safe space to talk about it. And with people who can either relate or who aren't narrow-minded in there ways of thinking around mental health and like, you know, all those types of things, stigmas and stuff.

[00:19:28] SureEyes: [00:19:28] But I think this is, this is the thing, right. Is medication is such a. I don't know. It's, it's something that we take all the time. People have no problem popping a panado, or Disprin when they have a headache.

[00:19:48] People have no problems self-medicating with cigarettes, alcohol, drugs, sex, food. People have no problem with that. But the minute it comes to like psychiatric drugs. You know,

[00:20:04] Taryn Holmes: [00:20:04] then you're a freak show

[00:20:06] SureEyes: [00:20:06] you,...