Becoming Our True Selves: The Dark Wood of Error

CrossWalk Community Church Napa

Have you ever had a moment in your life when you were not at your best? Sometimes the moment lasts a day, sometimes a week, sometimes a season when, in retrospect (and sometimes in the moment) we feel like an alien took over our bodies or something, because the attitudes and behaviors we’re exhibiting really don’t reflect who we want to be, who we believe ourselves to be. When we’re in such moments, we feel a bit lost and in the dark. We’re not exactly sure how we got there or how to get out. It’s not a pleasant experience. Have you ever been there? If you haven’t, I wonder how you are enjoying your cruise on the River Denial?

I wondered if there are any biblical characters that went through such common experiences. A few notables came to mind immediately, but the more I thought about it, the more stories came to mind of people who got lost. Adam and Eve. Caine and Abel. Noah. Abraham. Isaac. Jacob. Joseph. Moses. Aaron. Saul. David. Solomon. Hezekiah. Elijah. Hosea. Jonah. Job. Peter. Paul. Judas. James and John. John the Baptist. Jesus’ family. Oh, and Jesus. I am leaving out many more, but hopefully you get the point. Every one of these characters spent time feeling lost, not living into or out of their True Selves. For some it took time and consequences to wake them from their stupor. For some, they woke up so late that they roused only to die. We generally don’t wittingly choose to get lost – we simply find ourselves there.

Martha Beck, Ph.D. is a renowned author and coach for people who realize they are a little or a lot lost. In her book, The Way of Integrity, she takes her readers on a fantasy journey crafted by Dante in his classic, The Divine Comedy. Beck sees more than a sci-fi tour of in this prose. She sees a journey that every person is invited to take as part of being human. Not everyone makes it all the way to Paradise, where we find great freedom and peace, because getting there is difficult. Some get stuck in . Most remain lost in the Dark Wood of Error, which is that space when we realize we are not living as our True Selves, but rather our small selves.

From Beck’s long experience, she offers some symptom signs that we may be in the Dark Wood of Error, where we have lost sight and touch with our True Selves – who we are made to be, who we can be and long to be, who we can get back to being. You may be in the Dark Wood of Error if you are feeling purposelessness. Or emotional misery. Or physical deterioration. Or experiencing consistent relationship failures. Or consistent career failures. Or can’t shake persistent bad habits. Of course, there can be other reasons beyond being in the Dark Wood of Error for the symptoms. Yet I imagine there may be something resonating with you here, because this reflects very real human experience. Dante’s work became a classic for a reason. He was onto something. He wasn’t simply describing his central character’s experience, was he?

Are you lost in the woods? Try the following exercise from Marth Beck.

Exercise: Finding integrity in the dark wood

Here is a simple exercise that will put your feet squarely on the way of integrity, no matter how lost you may feel. Below you’ll find a list of simple statements. Your job is to say them out loud. Whisper them privately, proclaim them to a friend, shout them at the next telemarketer who interrupts your day. And just for a moment, as you say each sentence, tentatively accept that it might be true.

Now here’s the important part: as you speak each sentence, feel what happens inside you. Your pride may sting, your inner critic may put its back up like a startled cat. But does your body relax a little, despite the apparent negativity of a given statement? Does your breath deepen? Do you feel a battle easing in your gut, your heart, your head? Just notice this. Don’t worry about what comes next. Okay, go.

My life isn’t perfect.
I don’t like the way things are going. I don’t feel good.
I’m sad.
I’m angry.
I’m scared.
I’m not at peace.
I can’t find my people.
I’m not sure where to go.
I don’t know what to do.
I need help.

If we realize we are in the Dark Wood, we might wonder how we got there. Beck believes that our True Selves get drowned out by other influences from our respective cultures. In the Western world, she believes that pursuing and portraying culturally defined success leads us astray because the achievement of such success rarely delivers what we really desire for our lives. This drive to get out of the woods as fast and easy as possible is represented in Dante’s Mt. Delectable. Yet when we try climbing the mountain, we quickly realize it will be in vain and worse, potentially deadly.

Especially in places where consumerism drives culture, advertising can be an incredibly powerful influence in our lives, tempting us away from things that really matter to us. Take a moment to engage Beck’s exercise to help us get her point.

Exercise: Culture or nature?

First, recall the last time you saw some sort of advertising that really appealed to you. It might have been a television commercial, an ad on social media, or a display in a storefront. As it grabbed your attention, you might have felt strong desire for whatever was being advertised. Suddenly, you wanted—really wanted—the latest model of that smartphone, or that slick new car, or a trendier jacket than any you now own. Write down the thing you wanted.

Something advertising made me want:

For a moment, think about having this thing. Notice how your body feels as you hold the thought. Maybe you almost thirst to own this item. Maybe you feel a little racy with hope, or bitter with the conviction that you’ll never have such an awesome object. As best you can, write down a description of the sensation you get when you let yourself want this item. What do you feel, physically and emotionally, when you think about getting it?

When I imagine getting the thing advertising made me want, I experienced the following sensations:

Physical sensations:

Emotional sensations:

Now, shake it out. Literally. (Shaking your head, hands, or whole body, the way an animal might as it climbs out of water, can help clear your mind and emotions.) Let go of the advertising image. Notice if this is hard for you, if you’re almost compelled to go place an order for the New Thing, or at least stare at images of it. Whenever you can let go of this wanting enough to feel centered in the present moment, answer the following question:

When you’re alone in the quiet—say, lying awake at night—what do you yearn for? Not just want, yearn for. Write down the first thing that comes to mind.

Something I yearn for when I’m quiet:

Allow the sensation of yearning for this thing to grow. Vividly imagine having it. How does this image affect your body and your emotions? List them below.

When I imagine getting the thing I yearn for when I’m quiet, I experience the following sensations:

Physical sensations:

Emotional sensations:

Can you pick up any differences? The exact experience will be particular to you, but people typically feel completely disparate sensations when they’re triggered by advertising, as opposed to letting their desires emerge spontaneously from within.

A final influence she identifies is what she calls “cultural hustle”, doing things we really don’t want to do, things that are not aligned with or True Selves. Give a look at Beck exercise and see what sticks.

Exercise: Detecting your hustle

If you found out that some of the things you do every day come from culture, not your true nature, you’re hustling up your own version of Mount Delectable. Are you ready to get radically honest about that? Then ask yourself the following questions, and pause after each until you can feel the real answer. (Again, you don’t have to do anything except allow for internal recognition of the real situation. Just notice the difference between things you genuinely love to do and things you do for other reasons.)

· Do you ever hang out with people you don’t truly enjoy? Who are they?

· Do you consistently make yourself do anything (or many things) you don’t really want to do? Make a list.

· Are there things you do solely out of fear that not doing them will upset someone, or lower your value in someone else’s eyes? What are they?

· Are there any times in your daily life where you’re consistently pretending to be happier or more interested than you really are? And what areas (relationships, job activities, places) do you tend to do this?

· Do you ever say things you know aren’t true, or things you don’t really, truly mean? What are they?

As Dante recognized that climbing the mountain was not going to work, he came across a guide from his imagination – his favorite poet, Virgil. Beck notes that guides seem to show up when we are in the Dark Wood. These Soul Teachers, as she calls them, are there to help us find our way. She notes that there are some common themes that seem to show up for many people. Soul teachers: Capture our attention. Come with a dash of magic. Offer genuine love. Don’t share our culture’s values. Don’t care about our hustle. Know when to quit.

Inner guidance is available to us as well, flowing from our True Selves. This inner voice is capable of helping us live with integrity, making choices that foster the peace we desire. Try this exercise on for size:

Exercise: Meeting your inner teacher

Maybe you’ve never had an experience of pure, sweet integrity. Do you want to have it? Or maybe you’re remembering an experience of feeling briefly but totally aligned with your own truth. Do you want that feeling back? If so, one powerful step you can take right now is to acknowledge not only that you’re feeling a bit lost, but that you would really like to have a soul teacher. Our society doesn’t encourage you to admit this, but if it’s true for you, your heart won’t stop yearning for the mentor to arrive. Allow this feeling and keep your eyes open—your soul guide may show up any minute, from virtually anywhere. And if you’d like something to do while you’re waiting for that to happen, here’s a way you can access your inner teacher right now.

For this exercise you’ll need five to ten minutes in a quiet place where you won’t be interrupted. You’ll also need something to write with. You can use your own paper for this exercise, or fill in the spaces provided here.

1. In the previous chapter you wrote down a few things you consistently make yourself do, even though you don’t really want to do them. Now pick one of these things (or think of a brand new one) and write it here.

2. With this activity in mind, say to yourself, “I am meant to do [this thing].” For example, if your activity is “take out the garbage,” mentally repeat, over and over, “I am meant to take out the garbage.”

3. As you repeat “I am meant to [take out the garbage],” notice any physical sensations. Scan your body, noting the feelings in your muscles, joints, stomach, gut, skin surface, and so on. Write down anything you notice:

4. Now turn your attention to your emotions. As you repeat “I am meant to [take out the garbage],” what emotional reactions arise? Anxiety? Bliss? Apathy? Write them down:

5. Answer this question yes or no: As you mentally repeat “I am meant to [take out the garbage],” do you feel free? Now let go of the thought “I am meant to [take out the garbage].” Instead, mentally repeat this sentence: “I am meant to live in peace.” You don’t have to believe this, just repeat it in your mind over and over.

6. As you repeat “I am meant to live in peace,” again notice your physical sensations. Scan your whole body with your attention and write down what you’re feeling physically:

7. Still repeating “I am meant to live in peace,” notice any emotions arising. Write them down:

8. Finally, answer this question yes or no: As you mentally repeat “I am meant to live in peace,” do you feel free?

Let’s take stock for a moment. We recognize that there are times in our lives when we find ourselves in the Dark Wood of Error. We are lost there because we have been influenced by external cultural factors that are not necessarily aligned with our True Selves. These influences may encourage an easy out via Mt. Delectable, but such a pursuit is perilous. When the time is right – when we are ready – we discover that guides are available to help us move forward. We also recognize that deep within us our True Selves speak, helping us discern those decisions that lead us to deep peace. This is all well and good.

What might not seem well and good is the news Virgil shares with Dante – the same news all worthy guides share with us. The only way out of the Dark Wood of Error is through the Inferno which has inscribed above its gate, Abandon all hope, ye who enter here. The hope that needs to be abandoned is that we can keep on living exactly as we have been and somehow also live our True Selves. This is called denial, which is a separation from reality. Our living from our small selves got us into the Dark Wood of Error. The Inferno holds secrets about ourselves, the things that have influenced us. The Inferno is the place where we can look in the mirror and see what has been there all along. Some of that which we will see is much too traumatic to look at alone – we need trained professionals. But much of what needs to be seen simply requires honesty, which requires great courage. When we choose to step through the gate and into the Inferno, into the total honesty zone, we realize that we do not control what happens next. Beck offers a newsflash: we really don’t control anything, anywhere, anyway! Time to let go of our denial and pursue the truth that just may set us free.

Guts are required to move forward. Our cowardice will sometimes tempt us back into the Dark Wood and set up camp. Beck offers an exercise to help us defeat cowardice and replace it with courage. Quite simply, she encourages us to realize that in each moment we have what we need to survive. We fret over what might happen, but in reality, we only have right now. We are not living in the past. We cannot live in the future. We only live right now. When we focus on our present, our Now, we find peace and strength. Meditation revolving around breathing helps us find peace in the moment, which gives us strength and courage because, guess what? – the future is filled with moments where we can walk in peace.

Next week, we’ll enter . What could go wrong?