Steli Efti 공개
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This is part of a conversation we've had in August of 2020, where we discussed the courage it takes to share your weaknesses. Many people think that I don't care what other people think about me—but nothing could be further from the truth. For most of my life, I cared deeply about impressing others, and I got very good at hiding my own struggles an…
 
Recently I've been experimenting a lot with timing: changing not so much what I do, not really adjusting my habits, but simply being more mindful of when I do these things. And I found that even doing the exact same thing can have an immensely different impact on my life just because of when I do it. Shownotes: https://steliefti.com/ep117/ Connect …
 
There's a German word I really love: Bewunderung. It's commonly translate as 'admiration', but that doesn't quite capture the full meaning of the word. In this episode, I talk about the art of keeping and cultivating a sense of wonder about life, and the people in your life. Shownotes: https://steliefti.com/ep116/ Connect with me: https://steliefti…
 
I've now been studying Internal Family Systems (IFS) for a long time, and it's taught me so much about myself that I decided to take an online course on it. But I don't really want to learn more about IFS to know IFS. I want to learn more about IFS so I can use it for my own inner work. And so rather than mastering the theory of more aspects of IFS…
 
A lot of spiritual practices try to teach you to become something or someone else, achieve a certain state of being. But you don't need that. Inner work is not about getting to some magical place where everything will be different. It's about living your own truth. You already are what you need to become. You already know what you need to know. Sho…
 
We chat about a surreal short story by Michael Ende named "Einer langen Reise Ziel" (Destination of a Long Journey). It's the first story in his collection of short stories called Das Gefängnis der Freiheit (Prison of Freedom), and how "search and you shall find" might sometimes mean something very different from what we commonly assume. Shownotes:…
 
I've always been a very cerebral person, relying primarily on my intellect to achieve my goals and solve problems I encounter. For a very long time, I equated the mind with myself. I viewed the body as a vehicle that just carries my mind. But as I started getting more in touch with my feelings, I also started paying more attention to my body—and be…
 
I've often used the words presence and awareness interchangeably—but they're really not. They're two distinctly different things, and in this episode, I discuss the difference, and talk about my recent experiments with awareness. Shownotes: https://steliefti.com/presence-vs-awareness/ Connect with me: https://steliefti.com https://twitter.com/steli…
 
Here's a conversation we've had about Michael Ende, Author of The Neverending Story, Momo, and other great books. We then touched on the beauty of poetry and song lyrics, going on awareness walks, having 1-on-1's with my sons, how interpreting my mother's dream put my patience to the test, the difference between patience and persistence, turtles, b…
 
How do you design your optimal morning? Every night as we sleep and dream, we enter a profoundly altered state of consciousness, we process and integrate our experiences of the day. Rather than immediately jumping into tackling tasks for the day, or distracting yourself with social media, build a set of morning rituals that become your transition f…
 
Apotomos is a Greek word that describes a person who always appears calm, keeps everything bottled up inside, and then at some point, when they can't take it anymore, they suddenly erupt like a vulcano in anger. One of my brothers is that kind of person. Very giving, very generous, gladly sacrificing his time or energy. Until eventually he realizes…
 
It's so easy to lose yourself in all the things you "should be doing". It's so easy to come up with an endless list of things that would be good for your career, your wealth, your well-being. But if you do all these things, more often than not you'll end up climbing a ladder that leads you to the wrong place. There's a better way of choosing what y…
 
What you most reject is what holds the greatest potential for growth. Whether it's a feeling you don't want to feel, a person with whom you have a challenging relationship—it's typically what you want to avoid that reveals your deep truths. Which is one of the reasons why I try to embrace life's perfect imperfections and practice doing my inner wor…
 
Imagine having a friend with a drinking problem. You can clearly see they're on a path that'll lead them down a bad road. You offer your help and invite them to stay with you in your home. You'll take care of them so that they can get their life together. Except, that your friend doesn't think they have a drinking problem. But you insist and convin…
 
Every year I want to change, evolve, level up. I hate stagnation, fear it. There's nothing more terrifying to me than the thought that I could have peaked already, that it's never going to be more than what is now. I still think that the wish to evolve and grow is fine. But being terrified of the possibility that this won't happen? What good does t…
 
Ever since reading Carl Jung, I got interested in dream interpretation, but most of the time I don't feel like interpreting my dreams. A dream I recently had though made me think that there was a message waiting for me. So in this episode, I go through the exercise of decoding my dream. Shownotes: https://steliefti.com/decoding-dreams/ Connect with…
 
Oftentimes the people who think they need help the least are the ones that need it the most. I've always been a giver. I always loved to help others. But asking for, and receiving help, that was something I struggled much more with in some areas of my life. And I know plenty of people for whom this is true as well. So in this episode, I talk about …
 
After 100 episodes of intimate navel-gazing and serious inner work, it's time so start sharing some of the silly goofing around we do in between. Expect nothing meaningful from this episode. We're talking Jocko Willink, Charles Bukowski, the courage of degenerates, and the cowardice of choosing to live your life in the safe harbor of propriety. Sho…
 
I started paying more attention to the soundtrack of my live—that inner narator that constantly makes up stories about what it is I do. And I started experimenting with it: What if I change the narration? What if I switch it off? What if I give my narration a theme, so that whatever I do is viewed through and guided by that particular idea? The way…
 
Recently while on vacation in Greece I was looking for some more lighthearted literature and picked up Charles Bukowski's Ham on Rye. Well, let's say it wasn't exactly the feelgood read I sought, but the story of the potato chip friendship stuck with me. Shownotes: https://steliefti.com/potato-chip-friendship/ Connect with me: https://steliefti.com…
 
First of all: My friend is not an insecure loser. He's an amazing person that I enjoy to spend time with and learn from. But he sometimes thinks that others think of him as a loser. And let's be honest: Deep down, most of us are scared on some level that we're losers. I'm very good at exuding confidence. I can walk into a room and people think I ow…
 
I was recently on vacation with my family and shared a very special moment with my mother: For the first time in decades, I felt like the child of my mother—and her being my parent. I've stepped into the role of being her protector, coach, caretaker, and teacher for such a long time that I forgot what being a child even felt like. Shownotes: https:…
 
It was 2007, I had just moved to the US, when I received a call from my brother: My grandfather had died. I was his namesake, and his favorite grandchild. People always told me how much I came after him. He was a larger than life character, always believed that I was special, that I was destined for greatness. I had learned so much from him, and no…
 
My youngest son has a seemingly insatiable desire for attention from his mom. Sometimes it escalates into awkward neediness, and it hurt me seeing my son feel this way. I tried to step in and "save" him from feeling this way—but to no avail. Only his mom's attention would do. And recently, I wondered: Why does this affect me so much? Shownotes: htt…
 
In this episode I share my thoughts after reading Dostoyevsky's Crime And Punishment. A much more effortful, and less rewarding read than I had hoped, but I do love how deep it goes into the central theme of the story—which is what happens when we go against our own moral compass. Shownotes: https://steliefti.com/crime-and-punishment/ Connect with …
 
I've yet again learned about another part of myself: It's the part that I call The Endurer, and it's one of the parts that my core Self hasn't fully integrated, or even acknowledged enough. I like to highlights other parts of myself that seem more impressive and heroic. But much of inner work is seeing all of yourself, and often what you find is hu…
 
"Lying is a delightful thing, for it leads to truth" wrote Dostoyevsky in Crime and Punishment. We discuss how you arrive at the truth through lying, and then about the twisted lies of Tolstoy's Anna Karenina, how her insistence on denying her own truth eventually leads to her ending her life. Shownotes: https://steliefti.com/lying-leads-to-truth/ …
 
Sometimes we don't learn from our mistakes at all, and we keep repeating them again and again. And sometimes we overcorrect our mistakes so much, that we just replaced one mistake with another mistake. Shownotes: https://steliefti.com/dangers-of-overcorrecting/ Connect with me: https://steliefti.com https://twitter.com/steli https://www.linkedin.co…
 
I recently had a conversation with a friend who's been through a couple of challenging months. And as he shared his struggles with me, my initial response was to share how I in the past had overcome struggles similar to the one he had described. And now, the conversation was going well... but it wasn't really flowing. We weren't connecting as frien…
 
This episode is an outtake from a conversation where I realized how I stifle my enthusiasm because I want to protect myself from the pain of embarrassment and disappointment. One of the greatest things about my younger self was how passionate I was about my dreams and goals (I talked about that in episode 82). I decided to stop hiding my enthusiasm…
 
Many years ago in the early days of Close, my cofounders and I would go out for dinner once a week to discuss the business. These discussions were good, but oftentimes they were just that: discussions. At some point, Anthony said: "Let's stop talking about all these different things and make a decision. What's one thing we can decide right now?" Th…
 
One thing I love about Tolstoy's writing is with how much insight and empathy he's making the characters of his novels come alive. I learn so much about myself, and humanity in general by reading Anna Karenina, a novel written more than 100 years ago—much more than I've gained from reading a hundred books on psychology. In this episode, I'm geeking…
 
One of the most insightful books on managing anger I've read is The Dance of Anger: A Woman's Guide to Changing the Patterns of Intimate Relationships, and in this episode I discuss the concept of overfunctioning and underfunctioning. Shownotes: https://steliefti.com/dance-of-anger-over-or-underfunctioning/ Connect with me: https://steliefti.com ht…
 
I grew up in Germany, and spent most of my life there. And yet, I never felt at home in Germany, never liked living there. If Germany was a family member of mine, it would be a heartless, cold, disapproving stepdad—that's how I'd describe it. But I don't want to feel that way. My family lives here, many of my friends live here, and whether I like i…
 
I've been reading Tolstoy's Anna Karenina recently, and absolutely love this book for the sharpness with which he looks at relationships, and how people communicate. There's so much wisdom within these pages, about misunderstandings beyond repair, painful truths and the convenient lies we sometimes hope for. Shownotes: https://steliefti.com/anna-ka…
 
There's a popular interview question I've been asked many times: What's one piece of advice you'd give your younger self? To me, a much more interesting question if I could travel back in time and meet my younger self would be: What could I learn from my younger self? In this episode, I share my thoughts around that, and in a way, I do meet a young…
 
Whenever you pour your heart into a creative endeavor, those critical thoughts can derail you. "You can't do this." "This isn't good enough." "Who do you think you are to even try?" (And yeah—I'm holding back here. The voices in my head are much harsher.) You can try to fight these voices. That's been my go-to-strategy for much of my life. "STFU, I…
 
I've had another inner work session on the elliptical, and this time I've addressed a major emotional challenge of mine: chronic tension. I've had a very vocal inner critic that used to be the driving force in my life, and it drove me to success in many areas of my life. But it came at a high cost. I felt miserable. Part of my inner work journey ha…
 
I've recently had an interesting experience doing an IFS (Internal Family Systems) audio workshop while working out on a threadmill. There's something about working out physically while also doing inner work with your mind that I sparked my curiosity. Shownotes: https://steliefti.com/elliptical-inner-workout/ Connect with me: https://steliefti.com …
 
About a year ago I had my first therapeutic MDMA session, and one of the biggest gifts that stayed with me is a type of meditation. This is the first time that I talk about this meditation and what it has done for me—and while I found it challenging to articulate this in detail, what does come through in this conversation is how immensely valuable …
 
I'm highly self-critical by nature, often to a fault. A good amount of the inner work I've been doing over the past 2 years has been about reigning that part of myself in. But now that I'm exploring the IFS (Internal Family Systems) I had a realization: While my inner critic has been the dominant voice in my head for most of my life... I don't actu…
 
I've talked about how out of touch with my emotions I was here many times. One of the things that helped me changes this tremendously was a very simple exercise: I simply started to name my emotions. In this episode, I share how I've benefitted from naming my feelings, and why it's become part of my inner work routine. Shownotes: https://steliefti.…
 
In this episode, I talk about when parts of myself are at conflict with each other. I'm the type of person that's very good at pushing myself to do things, I've got a strong inner pusher. But there's also a part of me that sometimes just want to relax, take it easy and goof off. That in and of itself is fine—we all have those parts in us. The probl…
 
In this episode I talk about an idea I've been exploring for a while now: That we're all made up of different parts, and how they often conflict with each other. There was a time when I thought the best way to deal with the undesirable parts is to just eliminate them, to get rid of them. Now, rather than looking at an isolated part, I try to first …
 
There's a reason why being true and authentic matter so much to me: I know what's on the other side. When I was young, especially during my early teenage years, I lied a lot, habitually. In this episode, which is a conversation I've had back in September of 2020, I share my long and winding path to truth and authenticity. Shownotes: https://stelief…
 
The past couple of weeks being back in Germany, I've started doing what Germans do a lot: think, and think, and think some more. It got to the point where it feels out of balance: too much introspection, too much heavy self-analysis, too much thinking and reflecting, and not enough living for the moment. At least, that's how I interpret what these …
 
Here's a book recommendation: They Both Die at the End by Adam Silvera. A very quick and easy read, but one that moved me nonetheless and that I gifted to my nephews and nieces. Shownotes: https://steliefti.com/they-both-die-at-the-end/ Connect with me: https://steliefti.com https://twitter.com/steli https://www.linkedin.com/in/steliefti/…
 
There's a magic to going into a situation completely open, unprepared and without a plan, and improvising your way into a beautiful dance. Even though there's always the risk that instead of a beautiful dance, you just stumble and fall flat on your face. But if you're not willing to get lost, you'll never find yourself in an unexpected place. Being…
 
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